The Sports Illustrated Jinx and Chelsea’s Striker Problem

No. Fernando Torres’ woes in front of goal are not going to be attributed to him appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated – and I don’t even think he has made it to the cover at all. This is about something more fundamental.

Sports Illustrated

The Sports Illustrated cover jinx is an urban legend that states that individuals or teams who appear on the cover of the Sports Illustrated magazine will subsequently be jinxed (experience bad luck). A star athlete makes it to the cover of the magazine after having a remarkable season or a particularly outstanding performance. Following his appearance on the cover, his performances suddenly see a dip or his very next performance (after the outstanding one) turns out to be a really bad one. There are dozens of instances that corroborate this jinx, and there will no doubt continue to be many more in the future. And as much as this is a clear cut case of confirmation bias, I will argue later in the post that there is another fundamental principle underlying this urban legend.

Now let us look at Chelsea FC. For anybody who knows me even remotely, I am a well established Chelsea supporter – (you know that team in the Premier League that plays football with at least 2 different managers every year. The same team that went on to win the Champions League last season only to get knocked out in the group stage this season. Yeah, that one).

Being a Chelsea fan for close to a decade now, I have seen many many transformations in the team – thanks largely to a bankrolling AND trigger happy owner. I have seen many successful years and many unsuccessful years. However, the past couple of seasons have been particularly frustrating and energy sapping for any Chelsea fan. (Yes, we did win the Champions League last season, but it could have as well gone all wrong so easily). And the biggest factor in all of that has been Chelsea’s inability to field a striker who can score goals.

Torres: Chelsea’s official non-scoring Striker

We all know the story. Fernando Torres comes in after a few scintillating seasons with Liverpool and for a hefty transfer fee. Didier Drogba, a fan favorite, is approaching his twilight years and will make way for Torres in the front line. It all looked good on paper. And then reality sunk in. Torres barely scored. His record of goal scoring was so pathetic that Emile Heskey began to sound like a better option. And this continues to this day – even after the departure of Drogba and with the infusion of creative midfielders like Hazard and Oscar.

But before we pass around judgments, let us take a step back here and go over recent Chelsea transfer history – specifically on the strikers. Chelsea has been widely accused of being the club that buys world class center forwards for big money, only to make them mediocre players as soon as they started playing for their new club. Even a hardcore Chelsea fan like me cannot deny the dip in performances of the TWO actual instances – Torres and Shevchenko. However, upon closer look, one sees a more fundamental principle at work here.

Torres and Shevchenko were world class strikers before they came to Chelsea, after which they suffered a terrible dip in form and are/were never likely to regain the top form that they displayed at their previous clubs. But ‘joining Chelsea’ was not the reason why their form dipped. The reason Chelsea even purchased them was because the club had a reputation of spending big money on players who were at the peak of their careers. Torres and Shevchenko definitely fit the bill then and their services were acquired for significant sums of money. But where does anyone go from the peak of their careers? There is only one way – and that is down. So when reaching the peak of one’s playing career is followed by going to Chelsea FC, the headlines are already written. A simple correlation is easily mistaken for causality.

Not only does this bring about an image of being a club that apparently spoils players’ talent and form, but more importantly, the team is now playing someone who is on the way down in his career. Add to this a change in the system of play, the psychological barrier that comes with the hefty fee and the intense media and fan scrutiny/expectations involved – and you have a perfect recipe for disaster. The player stops performing and the club’s results begin to go down in a spiral. Sound familiar? Well, it should. Because this is exactly what has happened with Chelsea’s striker position.

Torres was already on the decline at Liverpool. His performance at the World Cup before joining Chelsea was laughable and I personally rated him to be the worst player at the tournament. Spending 50 million in that situation was never a good idea. Didier Drogba, on the other hand, was brought to the club under none of the above circumstances. He was young (24-25), far from his peak, didn’t cost as much, and Chelsea built their playing system AROUND him. As a result, he gave his best years to the club and no wonder the club’s best years coincided with his career peak.

Demba Ba is not the solution. He is a temporary fix who is expected to be better than Torres. So what then is the permanent solution? Well, for one, it does not involve anyone whose name has either Falcao or Cavani in it – for acquiring the services of players like Cavani and Falcao in their current situation clearly falls under the same set of circumstances in which Torres was bought. (Yeah sure they may give a couple of good seasons but that is not the objective here is it?) And if Mr. Abromovich does not intend to repeat the same mistakes, he would be better off buying someone younger and who has not yet reached his peak.

Going back to the Sports Illustrated jinx, it is now quite easy to draw the analogy. A star athlete makes it to the cover BECAUSE he is at the peak of his career or at the least,  a local maxima – and there is only way to go from there – down. Not only is this just a case of confirmation bias, it also serves as a textbook case of correlation being mistaken for causality.

This underlying principle deserves a closer and more detailed look – especially with regard to how football teams are built and its correlation with the success the team achieves. But that is a topic for another post – hopefully sometime soon.

Breaking News: Sir Alex Ferguson frustrated as Chelsea replace Man Utd as England’s most hated club

At the unveiling of his statue in Old Trafford, Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson bemoaned the changing scenery of English football. He was speaking to over 2500 fans – which included former players Eric Cantona, the Nevilles, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Edwin van der Sar, Peter Schmeichel and more – who had all gathered to pay tribute to the man who has arguably become the face of Man Utd over the past couple of decades.

An angry Sir Alex Ferguson

In particular, he was visibly frustrated with the way Chelsea had taken over the mantle of the most hated club in England  - a seat long held by Man Utd. He said:

It is particularly disappointing to see other teams take over a position that you have worked so hard to build for so many years. When I took over in 1986, it was never easy to become the most hated club in England. But I achieved and maintained that for more than a decade. But now you have teams like Chelsea and Manchester City – Chelsea in particular – who come out of nowhere without any club history and simply knock you off that coveted spot! This is unacceptable!

The manager spared no words to express his frustration over how the media was treating Chelsea in such a biased manner.

I can’t believe today’s media in this country. They have made it so easy for people to hate Chelsea. Anything Chelsea does, the entire media criticizes and paints them to be the bad guys of English football. That is unfair  - especially as WE at United have worked so hard to be the bad guys of English football!

When asked to illustrate his strong claims against the media with specific instances, the United boss pointed to the way the media has portrayed and criticized the Chelsea owner Roman Abromovich over the years.

The media has portrayed him to be this trigger happy evil general who has insanely high expectations and yet, it conveniently overlooks all the money that he has pumped into the club. Compare that to our owner Malcolm Glazer whose sole objective is to use this club to make money for himself, and the media barely pays attention to that. Just the fact that the owner has not fired me should not shield him from media criticism.

He went on to talk about all the latest scandals and racism rows surrounding Chelsea and was particularly disappointed that he lacked players who could live up to the controversy that their Chelsea counterparts have courted in the past couple of years.

I have to admit they have more players capable of drawing controversy to themselves and the club than we do here. It’s a shame that we no longer have players like Cantona or Gary Neville who the media love to hate. Chelsea can boast of players like Terry and Cole who repeatedly get all the media’s criticism aimed at them and the club.

Even in this whole Clattenburg affair, there is so much vice and vitriol in the media against Chelsea, it is just completely unfair to us folks here at United! Think about it, the media has spewed forth so much venom over a club simply reporting a possible instance of racial abuse. Where is all this hate when referees give us undeserved penalties, or when they send off opposition players, or when they give me all the Fergie time I want? I mean, the referees practically play as our 12th player, and yet the media takes no note of it! This is outright biased and ridiculous!

Sir Alex Ferguson ensuring sufficient Fergie time

The United manager also found time to point out how the media had reacted to Chelsea winning the Champions League. He compared that to how his team have been treated by the media during similar situations.

It is ridiculous to see the lengths the media has gone to criticize Chelsea winning the Champions League. Just because a team plays unattractive football and banks on a bit of luck on the way to winning the biggest prize in Europe, it should not make them subjects of criticism. I mean, here at United, we have been practically winning titles that way for more than 2 decades! Where is OUR fair share of hate and ridicule then?!?

Sir Alex Ferguson then spoke of his pride at having a statue of himself erected while he was still manager at the club. He claimed that he would remain the club’s manager longer than it would take for the statue to rust. Nobody bothered to argue his claim.

Before he concluded his talk, he brought the subject back to the media’s role and sought attention to the prevailing bias.

The media needs to take note of its unfair bias regarding all the hate being directed at football clubs. It is not acceptable that only one club gets all the attention when other clubs perhaps deserve it more.

This media bias will not stand, man!

Breaking News: Winners of EURO ’12 and Champions League ’13 to play ABSOLUT Football

In what could be the next biggest development in the history of football, ABSOLUT Vodka and UEFA have announced that the winners of the upcoming EURO ’12 and UEFA Champions League ’12-’13 tournaments will play ABSOLUT Football –  a new brand of football that nobody has ever seen so far. This announcement was made on UEFA’s website and was confirmed by a spokesman of the Pernord Ricard group which owns the ABSOLUT brand.

ABSOLUT End Indeed

UEFA’s official website carried a new posting outlining the rationale behind the new legislation:

After an executive committee meeting of UEFA, it has been decided that the winners of EURO ’12 and Champions League ’12-’13 will be based on the ability of teams to play the ABSOLUT brand of football. The objective behind this decision is to provide fans and spectators all across the world the opportunity to watch the most entertaining brand of football ever played.

The UEFA executives concluded that all teams must raise their games to include more entertainment aspects into it. And, as currently, the most entertaining and exciting brand of football is considered to be Total football – born in the Netherlands and currently played by the likes of FC Barcelona  - it was decided that in order to be fair to all teams, even those playing total football had to raise their games.

However, after further investigation by this fearless reporter, new sh*t has come to light. It appears that the UEFA executives had a very controversial motive behind this decision.

Most of them were unhappy that Chelsea FC won the UEFA Champions League, for apparently deploying negative (read extremely effective) tactics to secure wins against the likes of FC Barcelona and FC Bayern Munchen. Sources revealed that the members refused to consider the inability –  of either Barcelona or Bayern Munich – to finish even 5% of all the chances that they created as a sign of the weaker team. This, as compared to Chelsea’s almost 100% finishing record, appears to have had no bearing on the executives.

One of the executives, who wished to remain anonymous justified the motive in the following way:

 How can you have entertainment when all you are getting from Chelsea’s tactics is a scenario when one team is constantly on the verge of scoring the decisive goal and the other team is defending for its life – suffocating and frustrating the attacking team- only to provide the most dramatic finishes in the history of the game? That Barcelona game might have given people heart attacks. But then since Chelsea had deployed negative tactics, this simply cannot be considered entertaining, right?

In a related development, Websters dictionary publishers have agreed to use the above executive’s quote to explain the words ‘retard’ and ‘hypocrite’.

Johan Cruyff, one of the most vocal protesters of Chelsea’s tactics – and himself an ex-Barcelona player who was also involved in the development of Total football –  had a few thoughts of his own:

What is the point in having all these different styles of football  - from different leagues in different countries all across Europe – competing against each other in one tournament? Teams playing widely different tactics pitted against each other in a game of football is completely pointless! There simply cannot be any value in doing this! Everybody should try to play the same type of football – the type that is played at Ajax or Barcelona.

I don’t know how this ABSOLUT football will work but right now, the only way to win a tournament and deserve it is by playing total football. Every other style of play is inferior to Total football. Even if other styles of football aim to exploit the opposition’s weaknesses, or even if they culminate in the most exciting games ever played, those styles are still invalid and do not deserve to be rewarded!

This reporter initially suspected that Mr. Cruyff could have been stoned when he made the above quotes. Turns out, this is  how Mr. Cruyff is.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Pernord Ricard group which owns the ABSOLUT brand shed more light on what this means to the company and also about how this is going to work.

ABSOLUT Vodka is proud to be associated with this new chapter in the history of football, where ABSOLUT Football makes Total football absolutely obsolete!

The methodology of playing ABSOLUT football, inevitably involves the consumption of copious amounts of ABSOLUT Vodka. Following this, the players take to the pitch and the game begins. However, once the game begins, this style of football will now require you to make use of the players of not only your own team, but also that of the opposition’s. The players will bounce the ball like a pin-ball machine and make it go towards goal.

We are absolutely confident that ABSOLUT football will provide the highest amount of entertainment in the game of football. Of course, the best way to enjoy a game of ABSOLUT football is to be absolutely drunk yourself with our Vodka! CHEERS!

Confessions of a Chelsea Fan: How I came about supporting Chelsea

When one begins to like and follow a particular sport, the first immediate, important and binding choice that he is forced to make is that of choosing a particular team to root for. Who you decide to root for, however, can and will go a long way in determining your mental state every weekend (and many mid-weeks)  for the rest of your existence. Your expectations and aspirations will largely be a function of the team you decide to dedicate all your energy, passion and commitment to – week in week out – for the rest of your life. Not to forget how often you get to win the bragging rights or feel awesome watching THAT look on your friend’s face when his team loses (- very important)!  Also to be kept in mind, is that there is strictly no jumping ship, and if you do jump ship, you will forever be treated as an outcast. So you see, making that one choice is perhaps as important , if not more, as choosing your life partner. Well, come to think of it, you can still change your life partner without being treated as an outcast! There is really little doubt that this one decision or choice  really does go a long long way in dictating the level of happiness in your life.

When it comes to football (if you are in America, it is still football – the other game is Hand-Egg), the first tournament everyone talks about (and rightfully so) is the Barclays Premier League or the English Premier League – arguably the best league in the world, both in terms of quality of football AND the popularity. And when you first begin to watch the sport and realize you like it so much that you have begun to watch it week in and week out, you also understand that it is now time for you to pick a club to support. And one of the factors strongly influencing that choice is going to be – your friends circle.

Everyone likes to be accepted in their friends circle and nobody likes to be treated as the odd man out. And so, for the most part, any newcomer to the sport almost inevitably ends up choosing the team his friends have been supporting. This facilitates the newcomer to feel one among the crowd, allowing him to share the SAME feelings as the rest of his group – irrespective of whether the team wins or loses. And really, who doesn’t like to belong to a group with similar interests?

And when it comes to the BPL, there are really only so many teams you can support without subscribing to a higher risk of feeling crappy every weekend. As of today, those teams are Man Utd, Man City, Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and to some extent Tottenham. Any other team and, as pointed out, you run the risk of feeling depressed every other weekend for the rest of your life. So unless you live in England and near one of those mid-table clubs, or your great great grandfather did, it is highly likely that your friends support one of those few above mentioned clubs. And so will you.

Back in the day when I started watching football regularly (it was early 2003), I was surrounded by people who either supported Arsenal or Manchester United. At that time I tried to find out which club I would perhaps enjoy supporting. During my subsequent conversations with those fans, one thing became fairly clear.

There are many ‘reasons’ that are provided by passionate and over-enthusiastic football fans as to why one should support the club THEY do.

Chelsea FC

If you spoke to a Manchester United fan, you would learn that he supports the club for its ‘rich history’, great players, great culture of ‘winning trophies’ and also because they had the greatest manager in the world – Sir Alex Ferguson. He will also make sure to point out that United is the only valid club to support – again, for the same reasons – and that other clubs have no history whatsoever. And that this fact, for some reason that is never really mentioned, automatically makes ALL other clubs ‘unfit’ to support. And if you look around, you will find every Tom, Dick and Harry mouthing off self righteous praises in favor of United, completely convinced that all other fans are not supporting a ‘real’ club. Oh! And of course, you will also be subjected to that inevitable chant: “Glory Glory Man United!”

Now if you spoke to an Arsenal fan, you would be subjected to this inevitable lecture on how Arsenal plays the best, most entertaining, free flowing, passing football in the league. And that Arsenal is the only club that follows the sacred philosophy of investing and developing youngsters from their teenage and moulding them into world class stars. You would also be told about  a particular Frenchman by name Arsene Wenger and his affinity to get young French teenagers into his squad. You might even get the impression that Arsenal is the proverbial underdog trying to make it big with limited resources. (And in all fairness, it is true to an extent). The Arsenal fan essentially tries to convince you that even though Arsenal does not have the ‘habit’ of winning trophies, it is still the ONLY club fit for supporting because of the way the club is run.

At the end of the day, you have two sets of fans, each supporting either United or Arsenal – and who strongly JUSTIFY why they do so. In all honesty, I haven’t met a single fan so far of either club who has not told me WHY he supports them. And perhaps THAT was the reason I never really developed a liking to either of them. I just could not wrap my head around the idea of having to justify my choice of team to support.

 And so, back in early 2003, I never really liked either team, which meant I took turns deciding which team I hated more – United or Arsenal. (In fact, I clearly recall an event back in my Pre-University years (in 2003) when I was asked to participate in a class march which would feature a flag of our own design. And due to the fact that there were more United fans than Arsenal fans in my class, it was decided that the class flag would more or less resemble the Manchester United symbol. When I got to know about this, I simply refused to participate in the march – as a matter of general principle). But I digress.

Going back to 2003, there was this bunch of young lads just going about their business trying to finish as high as possible in the table. A spot in the Champions League was considered to be the target to aim at. And they calmly secured 4th place and eventually did make it to the UCL. These lads wore blue shirts and shorts and they had never heard of anyone by name Roman Abromovich. And neither had I. They just seemed happy playing their football and to have qualified for the Champions League. These young lads played for Chelsea FC and I was just happy supporting them.

When I was asked why I chose to support Chelsea, I realized I didn’t really have an answer. But then, in just a few months time, I would learn that the answer would be forced down upon me – whether it was true or not. And it probably had to do with a certain Russian going by the name of Abromovich who decided to spend a small fortune in building the club.

Sure, along with a billionaire bank rolling the club came good players, managers and even trophies. But the package also inevitably came with a branding. And the branding said that ALL Chelsea fans were ‘the new breed’ who were in existence only because they have a billionaire bank rolling the club’s finances. And then suddenly I was pushed into the tricky situation of having to JUSTIFY why that was NOT true!

Since then, life as a Chelsea fan has been fairly interesting. The Russian has not left and so hasn’t the branding. Sure Manchester City fans now seem to have taken over the spotlight – but I am still told that I am not supporting a ‘REAL club’! There have been a lot of ups and downs but an eventful ride nonetheless.

In my next post, I intend to write about how it has been since. All the arguments about which club is better – both online and offline- along with all the memorable and forgettable moments I had to go through and the subsequent not-so-amicable ‘conversations’ with fans of other clubs. And also more on the short term and long term consequences of the branding. All that in my next post.

Till then, KTBFFH!

Breaking News: All Teams playing Barcelona to now start with 12 men

In what looks to be a change of rules with far reaching consequences, UEFA has ruled that all teams playing Barcelona from now on in the Champions League will start with 12 men in their side. This judgment comes close on the heels of the extremely volatile Champions League semi-final between Barcelona and Real Madrid at the Bernabeu. Michel Platini, the President of UEFA communicated this rule to the media less than 48 hours after Jose Mourinho had made some strong remarks about the Catalan side.

The Red Card

“UEFA is always interested in fairplay. We go to extra lengths to ensure that we provide a fair and even platform for all clubs to perform to the best of their abilities. Keeping this in mind, it has been decided that all teams facing FC Barcelona  will now start with 12 men in their side. Based on the trend that we have observed previously with Barcelona, we believe that this will eventually lead to a proper balancing of the sides and will deliver a good contest on the pitch.”

He also clarified that this ruling will stand for both the group stage and the knockout stage. He also said that this rule will come into effect only from the next edition of Champions league ruling out any possibility of a dramatic comeback by Real Madrid in the 2nd leg.

“We cannot discriminate between teams who qualify to the next stage and those who don’t. That won’t be fair. And we are all for fairplay. So we try to be fair.” said Platini.

When asked about other fairplay issues such as allowing technology to be allowed on the pitch to ensure proper and fair decision making, Platini refused to comment saying that he did not want to see PlayStation in the stadium.

Platini tries to play Fair

This decision, has quite expectedly, brought about some strong reactions among the who’s who of european football. One of the first to respond to the new rule was none other than Jose Mourinho himself.

“Whats the point now? UEFA tries to do something after everything is over. And they are not even allowing us to enforce this rule in the 2nd leg. This only shows that Barcelona has influence even over UEFA themselves. I am the best coach on this planet. I beat Barcelona with 10 men in the previous El Classico. Now who can claim that on their resume? I don’t need 12 players to beat Barcelona! I need 11 and a fair referee! But UEFA will never make sure of that. Especially not when Barcelona is playing.”, he said.

Arsene Wenger, whose side has been getting repeatedly humiliated by Messi and Co., appeared to approve of the gesture by UEFA.

“This actually is bigger than just Barcelona. This is about playing the game on a level playing field. You cannot have a level playing field when one of the teams is bound to be reduced to 10 men AND while the other team has the best player in football history. It is plain common sense. Just look at how our boys have been getting humiliated and defeated by one, having a key player sent off and two, Messi going free to score”, he contended.

When pointed out that Arsenal could not string more than 3 passes together for the first 70 mins of the Last 16 tie when they were playing with all 11 men, Arsene Wenger only replied, “But who was winning at that time?”

Pep Guardiola on the other hand was already thinking about how to tackle the situation. He said,”We will respect the rules of UEFA. If they feel that we are not providing a level playing platform, then we will make sure that this will not be repeated. But at the same time, we have our commitment to the fans to win more trophies come what may. I am talking about our commitment to the fans that we will do anything it takes to win trophies with the only condition being that we need to play beautiful football. This will make us look like we “deserve” to win simply because we play the more entertaining football. If this happens, whatever else we do on the pitch will not matter at all!”

“So in order to honor that commitment, we will work harder because we will now need to get 2 players sent off. This means that we need to spend more time to over dramatize the tackles while making sure that it still looks real. We will probably hire a WWE superstar for this purpose.” he elaborated.

The commitment of the players to the cause was immediately evident. Dani Alves wrote on his Twitter account:

“Must spend more time training the youth in the academy to fake falls and injuries. The future needs to be ready.”

However, Pedro appeared to be disappointed with himself for being unable to get an opponent player a yellow card during the game in spite of going down clutching his face. He tweeted

“Must hold correct part of body in pain. Holding face instead of body part that was in contact doesn’t work. Sorry fans. Will do better next time.”

It is reported that Pedro was using the ‘Long Update” feature in Tweetdeck.

Sir Alex Ferguson was fuming at the rule for not being enforced this season itself.

“Why shouldn’t it be enforced now itself? Let it take effect from the finals onwards. Why should people who play Barcelona only from next season get a different treatment? This is not fair. We are a club whose sole purpose is to create a self-righteous fan base by winning more trophies and by having a rich history. You know, rich history is the only parameter behind supporting any club. And we need to achieve it by doing anything it takes. We also like to hunt for glory. We should also be allowed to field 12 players in the final. We have more or less qualified to it” he said.

Carlo Ancelotti, the Chelsea manager on the other hand was thinking along totally different lines.

“Roman Abromovic wants one thing and one thing only. The Champions League trophy. If this rule is enforced from next season, then we need to think of using it to our advantage. If we can get one of our players to be sent off in every single game in the next season, then we will have a case to argue that we need to START with 12 players, irrespective of whether we are playing Barcelona or not. So this way, we can start the entire  season after next with 12 men and then make sure that we will NOT get sent off! I think I can finally win the Champions League for Roman.” he said.

ESPN football self proclaimed pundit Shebby Singh was already analyzing what players should be chosen for that 12th man. Speaking to John Dykes, he said,

“You see John. The teams need to think smart. They need to think out of the box. Irrespective of how many players you have on the pitch, you have to simply accept the fact that you cannot stop Messi from scoring. The only way you CAN stop that is to use that extra 12th man as an extra goalkeeper! Now Messi will need to get past not one but TWO goalies if he has to score! I think this is a very important point and all teams must give it a thought. “

He continued, “There is actually another role for the 12th man John. This thing just flashed to me. What if…what if the only purpose of that 12th man is to influence the referee to give decisions AGAINST Barcelona? Think of it John. This is actually a very good idea. Why just stop at making a level playing field? See if you can get the better hand! Get the 12th man to do what Barcelona is doing. Get him to dive, fall, fake injuries and complain to the referee everytime a Barcelona player goes past him. Then the ref has to take some action surely! This might actually lead to a Barcelona player getting sent off. Then you can substitute this 12th man with a real footballer and seize the advantage in the game! This is a very good idea!”

By this time, John Dykes was reportedly choking on Shebby Singh’s smug.

Breaking News: Arsene Wenger wants 1-Team Tournament to end Arsenal’s Trophy Drought

Unable to end his 6 year trophy drought with Arsenal during the Carling Cup final against Birmingham City, Arsene Wenger has mooted the idea of a 1-Team tournament exclusive only to Arsenal. Speaking to reporters just hours after his side were defeated to an Obefami Martins goal, Wenger said, “This is getting more and more difficult day by day. I have come to realize that if we are to give our fans what they deserve, then we have to think in different ways.”

Arsenal have not won a single trophy since the 2005 FA Cup, having come close on many occasions such as the 2006 UEFA Champions League final and having stayed in contention for the Premier League title during most of the seasons as well. The fact that Arsenal have not won the Premier League for a long time despite being title contenders most of the seasons have led some critics to brand Arsenal as “the perpetual title contenders.”

Arsene Wenger is finally looking forward to a new trophy.

When a reporter asked the Arsenal manager about his thoughts on the comparison, Wenger said, ”I know we have always been strong contenders for the Premier League- always. Whats so new about that? Didn’t you already know that?” When pointed out that the comparison was supposed to be treated as a mockery, he quickly responded, “Oh! Is that why Sir Alex Ferguson starts laughing every time I remind him that we are still in the title race? Next time I will be careful.”

On the very idea of the 1-Team tourney, Wenger sounded quite upbeat. “This has never been done in the history of the game! We are all very excited. Yes I know that we have just lost one more Cup final and that we should be feeling bad that we have failed yet again. But the mood in the dressing room has quickly changed! I just now informed the boys about this idea and it has gotten everyone on their feet and raring to go!”

When asked about the exact format of the game, Wenger responded, “Well we are yet to work out the exact format. But the way I see it, there will be players from only 1 team playing. We will probably play 22 players on the pitch, but all of them will be players from Arsenal. We will call 11 of those players to be from Arsenal and the other 11 players to be from Arsenal. So no matter who wins or loses, Arsenal will eventually emerge as Champions! And more importantly, we will end our 6- year trophy drought! Isn’t this a great idea?”

The Gunners manager was also showing some consideration for the fans who have had nothing to brag about for a long time now apart from their passing style of play. “I really feel sorry for the fans. They have put their faith in the club for so long now having got back nothing in return. I think it is time that we give them something back. And I think the 1-Team tournament will be the best way to go forward. I am sure the fans will love to see a new addition in our trophy collection.”

Arsene Wenger did not have to think hard when he was asked what the new tournament would be named as. “Its a no brainer really. We will be calling this tournament as The Gunners Trophy. This of course, is in reference to the fact that Arsenal will be the only team playing in the tournament! Isn’t that so creative and original?”

Arsenal skipper Cesc Fabregas seemed to share the enthusiasm. “I have been here in the club for so long and have worked so hard. So I would definitely like to have some kind of a winner’s medal with me. The Gunners Trophy would be ideal solution to that. I just do not know what it feels like to be lifting a trophy with my hands. I really hope this idea goes through…and I hope that it happens for more than just that.”

When pressed what he meant by ‘for more than just that’, Fabregas revealed, “Well, think about it. The main reason Arsene Wenger is holding on to me is because he believes that I can win him trophies. Now if I help Arsenal win The Gunners Trophy, then I can convince him that my work here is done. And then he can make a lot of money by selling me to Barcelona. In fact, he will make a lot more money than winning any of the other tournaments! Isn’t that ironic?!!?”

Samir Nasri, the rising star in Arsenal, chose to look at it in a slightly different way. “It will be a very valuable experience for the young boys in here without any experience of big games.” He stopped for a while to think about what he had just said. Then he continued, “Oh wait. We are all young ones here without any big game experience. Anyway, like I was saying, this trophy will give us that necessary experience and will help us mature as players with big game experience.”

On the other hand, Sir Alex Ferguson was not at all amused when informed about this in a press conference. “What nonsense is this? Manchester United is the greatest club in the world. We are the only team that should be supported in England simply because we have a rich history and we win trophies!” When reminded of the issue at hand, he then composed himself and responded, “How can a team be crowned tournament winners if there are no other teams playing in there? Here in Manchester United, we believe only in winning trophies. Trophies aren’t everything to us. They are the only thing. We work so hard to win trophies. Thats why our fans are rightly called Glory Hunters. But the only difference is that we try to win trophies in which other teams also participate.”

Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti had a different view. “It is actually not a bad idea. Come to think of it, if we can implement that same idea here in Chelsea, no manager will ever get fired! I mean, all Abramovic ever cares about are trophies. If we can have our own 1-Team tournament, then we can at least make sure that we land some trophy every year. At least my job will be safe.” Then he proceeded to call his agent and asked him to begin negotiations over a new deal saying that he will definitely be winning some trophies this year.

Shebby Singh, the expert on all matters concerning football and being smug (both at the same time that is), seemed to have some very strong opinions about this idea. Speaking to John Dykes and dressed in a suit which appeared to be part of his anatomy, he said, “John I think this is a very good and a very clever idea from Arsene Wenger. It is bound to be successful on so many fronts. Firstly, it will increase the confidence of the Arsenal players who do not know what it means to win something. Secondly, this will further help in the team gaining more big game experience which will in turn help in them performing better in the Champions League, FA Cup and Carling Cup where every game is a big game. Thirdly, this idea need not necessarily be restricted to just Arsenal. A lot of other teams can give it a try too.”

“Also John, the manager is really brilliant. He thinks so far ahead for the club. First he invests in youth and saves a lot of money that way while making sure that he has a good team for the future as well. Now this idea of his makes his team gain plenty of big game experience so that they go on to win other tournaments as well.” he continued, not realizing that he had just repeated his earlier point.

When John Dykes asked another guest on the talk show if he found anything negative about the idea, Shebby Singh interrupted, “Yes John. Like everything in this world, even this has a good and a bad part. You see Arsenal can finally begin to win trophies. I mean, Arsene Wenger may even decide to keep 2 or more The Gunners Trophy in a calendar year and Arsenal will win all of them. Even though the club might become more successful trophy-wise, it is extremely important that they do not become complacent. If they do, they will just become engrossed in that trophy and neglect all the other ones.”

The Arsenal fans are extremely excited about the prospect of finally getting to brag about some silverware after a long time. One enthusiastic North Londoner said, “This is the best news I have had in a long time mate! Now I can finally look forward to Arsenal winning a trophy BECAUSE they play awesome passing football! Take that up your asses all you other-clubs-winning-trophies-by-playing-boring-football! Now when can I buy the tickets?”

It remains to be seen if this idea actually transpires into reality. The FA have been informed about the plans and further developments are awaited. If approved, this could potentially create a revolution in the world of football.

 

PS: My previous posts on football fake news and Arsenal can be found here.

 

Breaking News: All Football Players to now get Injuries Prior to Internationals

In a unanimous move, all the Football players around the world have decided to get injured just prior to the next round of International games in order to avoid getting injured during the internationals. This decision was taken immediately after the latest round of International friendlies and Euro qualifiers and comes close on the heels of a number of players getting injured while on national duty.

Theo Walcott, one of the many players to be injured, seems to have taken the initiative to bring together all fellow football players who face a long time on the sidelines after getting injured in the internationals. “This just cannot carry on. I am sick and tired of getting injured during international matches. Last year I broke my shoulder and this year it is my ankle! Now I have to just sit and watch while lesser performing players take my place at Arsenal. Also, now I will not have enough playing time under my belt to make sure that Capello chooses me for the next International!”

Walcott is particularly disappointed that his good form for Arsenal came to a premature end with this injury. “The timing could not have been worse. I was fresh from not going to South Africa and I began to score goals and make assists with total ease. And then this happens.”

Walcott says he hit upon the idea of getting injured prior to the internationals while he was under the influence of drugs in the hospital. “I was just sitting there, getting my painkiller drips, and then I had what alcoholics refer to as ‘a moment of clarity’” said Walcott, sporting a smug for making the Pulp Fiction reference. When none of the journalists cared to make any comment, Walcott continued, “You see its very simple. All you have to do to not get injured during an international game is to not play in that game at all! And a foolproof way to get that done is to get yourself injured right before the game!”

Asked if he hit upon this idea after watching fellow England team mates Lampard and Terry pull out of the team with injuries, Walcott was quick to reply. “Of course! I thought it was obvious. In fact, I now feel I should have thought about this much earlier- you know, like BEFORE the game perhaps” Walcott said finishing the line with a wink.

Fierce rivals Tottenham also had their own Walcott story with Jermain Defoe being ruled out for 6 weeks after getting injured while on England duty. The striker has been in great form for his club and echoed the sentiments of Walcott.

“This has to end. I have made up my mind! Next time I will get injured BEFORE the game!” Asked how he plans to implement his plan, Defoe said, “That would be easy! All you have to do is pick up a small injury while playing the last game for your club before the international. You know-like pick up what is referred to commonly as a “small knock”. Something not too serious to worry about but at the same time big enough to be out for a week or maximum two.”

When asked if even he was borrowing the idea from Lampard and Terry, he replied, “Yeah! I mean look at Lamps and John. They have made the best of their international time! Lamps missed a penalty just to ‘show’ that he was perhaps injured. Then he scheduled his operation immediately after which he conveniently has two weeks to recover and be fit in time to face West Ham! That is just totally awesome don’t you think? I mean just look at what he did! He used the international games break to become more fit and healthy! While on the other hand, look at me- totally messed up for the next 2 months! There are really some things you have to learn from that fella! I guess its better late than never!”

Among other players to get injured on international duty was Alexander Hleb, the Birmingham City new signing who was looking to revive his career at St. Andrews after being relegated to the bench at Barcelona. “This is not really something new to me really. I am injured now. The only difference now is that instead of sitting on the bench helplessly and watching my team play, I will now be sitting on a hospital bed helplessly and watching my team play. So you see not much of a difference there. I am not that disappointed.”

When informed about the grand plan to get injured right before the internationals, Hleb was ecstatic- “Woah! That is a kick ass idea! I should have thought about beforehand! This way I will at least get to play SOME football! Awesome!”

Other victims from the latest round of International games include Per Mertesacker, Michael Dawson and Dirk Kuyt.

Kuyt‘s injury apparently came up from his attempting a bicycle kick during training for Holland. Keeping up with his image of working extremely hard (measured by the copious amounts of sweat he is so keen on displaying towards the end of each game) while consistently producing nothing (apart from the occasional scavenging), he appeared to put in a lot of effort while attempting his bicycle kick and then put in a lot more effort to land awkwardly on his shoulder, thereby dislocating it. The fact that this was done during training when it was totally unnecessary and the fact that nobody cared where the ball went anyway undermines Kuyt’s intent to  distract everyone from his lack of productivity by showing them his hard-working nature.

“Next time I shall surely get injured while attempting a bicycle kick during a Liverpool training!” said an exhalted Kuyt after coming to know about the scheme.

When confronted by these claims, Carlo Ancelotti was quick to defend his players. “What the players do with their private lives is none of my business. Its upto them and as long as they are training well and playing well, I really don’t care!”

When pointed out that the question was not about John Terry‘s private affairs, Ancelotti responded by shouting in Italian at his Italian translator. Then he said, “I totally deny that! Lampard and Terry are the greatest professionals in this game! It was just a coincidence that the operation had to be done just as the Internationals started. It is a recurring problem. So maybe he will need another operation soon, maybe sometime in November.”

When a reporter told him that that is the time when the next round of international matches are going to be played, Ancelotti replied, “It is just a coincidence like I said. Maybe Terry will get one more knock just before the break. Maybe Ashley Cole will also join in the party. Who knows? Can you predict the future?” As he began to leave the reporters, he was caught on camera having a secret laugh and muttering “He he he… Those reporters they will believe anything! He he he…!”

However, Arsene Wenger was not in a mood for any laughter. “This is just totally ridiculous. Last time it was Van Persie and this time it is Walcott! International matches my arse! Now I am going to personally make sure that ALL my players, without exception, will get injured just before the next round of international games. Of course, we will make sure that all those injuries are genuine and that all of them occur under safe circumstances like our training ground. After all, we don’t want our players trying to get injured and be subjected to another Eduardo or Ramsey kind of tackle do we? We will not break any laws and will show real injuries to all our players. Our medical team is already working on the most efficient way of getting injured just for the right amount of time. Many people refer to our squad as the ‘injured Arsenal Squad’. If these injuries keep happening, then the ‘injured’ part will become redundant! The only way out is this new scheme!”

All across the world, Club managers are voicing their dissent towards the treatment meted out to their players while on international duty. Bayern Munich chairman, Karl-Heinz Rummenigge wants insurance against all players who go on to represent their national teams. All other club managers too have unanimously agreed to get the players injured in an optimal way for best results. Some clubs have even gone on to open a separate department that deals with this responsibility aptly naming it “The Department of Optimal, Voluntary and Controlled Injury”.

England Manager Fabio Capello on the other hand is not amused with this grand scheme that threatens to make him lose his job. When confronted about the scheme, Capello shot back, “Let me see how they will do it! The people who do it are too dumb to see the consequences.”

He elaborated further, “You see all these youngsters like Walcott, Defoe and Dawson continuously make statements indicating their desire to play for the national team and how they plan to do that by playing good for their clubs. So they will perhaps continue to play very good for their clubs  hoping to get a call up to the England squad. And then get injured just before the internationals. And this they do so that they can play more club football to impress me to pick them for the next England game! And then they get injured just before that game! And then the cycle repeats! What nonsense is this? Dont these kids realize that they will never be able to play this way-ever! It is like they are -what do you call it- ah yes! Its like they are chasing the carrot! Of course, it is like they are chasing a carrot which they themselves are carrying! Idiots!”

Whatever maybe the case, it is definitely going to be interesting to see how this whole new scheme pans out.

Breaking News: Arsenal Players demand bonuses for Training

In an unprecedented move, all Arsenal players, without exception, have demanded that they be paid bonuses just for showing up for training. While the move has drawn widespread criticism, the Arsenal players appear to be fully convinced about their stand and have even threatened not to show up for training or play any matches until their demands are met.

When contacted, the Arsenal players put the entire blame on Arsene Wenger‘s new contract in which the club retained his services for 3 more seasons while increasing his salary by 20%.

“We are not complaining about the fact that Arsene Wenger is now the highest earner at the club. It is the fact that he is getting bonuses for taking the club to play Champions League football every season that has got us upset” said a visibly fuming Theo Walcott.

There does appear to be truth in Walcott’s statement as the club have confirmed that they are indeed paying a bonus  for Arsene Wenger to steer the club to Champions League qualification. When pressed further, Theo Walcott said that this was totally unfair.

“We have been qualifying for the Champions League continuously for more than a decade now. In fact, we have not missed out on Champions League action even once under Arsene Wenger. The coach is getting bonuses for doing something he has been doing all the time. And so even we the players feel that we need to get bonuses for something we have been doing all the time” explained Walcott which drew strong nods from fellow Arsenal players.

When asked why the players wanted their training to be given bonuses, Abou Diaby replied, “We did not want to ask bonuses for playing every match. That would not be fair because at the rate that we are getting injured, we cannot guarantee we will be able to play all matches in the first place. Hence we chose Training for bonus as we train almost every single day and we have been doing it for as long as we can remember.”

Arsene Wenger was non-committal in his response. “It is true that I am getting a bonus for taking the club to Champions League. But I cannot respond to what the players are asking. It is a matter between the players and the management.”

When reminded that he himself was the manager, he said, “Whatever happens in the dressing room stays in the dressing room.”

Experts on the other hand are already giving their ‘expert opinion’ on the matter. Shebby Singh, appearing with John Dykes in his trademark grey suit and pronounced smug, called for the football fraternity to look for the deeper meaning in this extra-ordinary situation.

“You see John what we should observe here is not just the behavior of the players. What we should not overlook is what the gesture from the board actually implies. The Arsenal board are giving Arsene Wenger a bonus JUST for getting them through to Champions League football every season. This is a clear indication of their expectations and the targets they have set themselves. If your only incentive is to just qualify for the Champions League, then who will make any effort to go ahead and actually win the Champions League?” Having so explained, Shebby Singh sat with an even bigger smug and with a firm belief that he had just made the discovery worth a Nobel.

Back in North London, the players have now taken to a demonstration outside the Emirates Stadium demanding that they also be given bonuses for something that they have been anyway doing for the past how many ever years. The players were parading with placards which read “Bonuses for all”, “Reward all who can keep doing the same thing” etc. However, Fabregas’ was parading with a placard that read “I love Barcelona!” When pointed out by some journalists, Fabregas was quick to dismiss any rumors about him wanting to go to Barcelona saying “Yes I was born there and Barca is one of the biggest clubs in the world. But right now I just want to win more trophies for Arsenal.” After a few seconds he added “Wait…take off the ‘more’ part from my last line.”

An interesting consequence of this protest was felt not too far away at Stamford Bridge where the players were getting restless after hearing the news. Having suffered a cut in all performance oriented  bonus which does not result in a trophy, the Chelsea players suddenly felt they have been given a really bad deal.

Skipper John Terry was the first to complain, “You see the lads actually winning something here. We won the double last season- you know like actually lifted the trophy and stuff. And what does Abromovich do? He gives us a cut in the bonus! Says we will get bonus from next time only if we win some trophy! I guess he needs to look at Arsenal to see how the players and the coach are being rewarded. They hardly win anything yet Coach gets bonus just to take them to Champions League!  Now players seem to be getting bonus just for showing up for training! This is ridiculous! Call my friggin’ agent! Rich owner my ass!”

Back in the studio, Shebby Singh was going to overdrive mode with his ‘in-depth’ analysis.

“The idea of a bonus is to give someone the incentive to achieve something that is beyond  what they usually achieve. So in that sense, this bonus Wenger seems to be getting is totally invalid. You see John now what this will do to all the clubs in the long run is to make them set their standards and targets much lower than earlier. This will lead to lower performances and football as a whole will take a beating.” John Dykes had sent the program on a commercial break as soon as Shebby Singh started talking.

Meanwhile, in Milan, the new Inter manager Rafa Benitez had some very strong words to say.

“What the hell is this I say? If any of the other BIG 4 clubs do not get into the Champions League, they just get fired!!! And if Arsenal doesnt get into Champions League, the only thing Wenger is going to miss is his friggin BONUS??? This is totally unfair! Look at me. I WON the god damn Champions League and I went to one more final! And I still got fired when I failed to finish in top 4! Arsene Wenger has not won anything for the past 5 years, let alone the Champions League! And he is only missing out on Bonuses?? Even Scholari got fired- and that too even before the season got over!! This is totally unfair. I just needed more time with Liverpool. The same way I need more time here at Inter Milan too.”

It has to be seen if this protest by the North London club will yield anything for the players and if this will be the end of football’s standards being lowered every where as predicted by Shebby Singh.