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What Happens….after 8 Years?

I had spoken about so much guilt. Yes, I still do not deny that I felt all those guilt. But what I am gonna tell you here is something different. Something that happened last night. Simply put, it was just too good to be true. But then, I guess, God sometimes bestows us all with some incredible things. I had not even dared to dream of it. But there I was, doing that very thing, living that very undreamt dream. Well, for all you know, it could have just been a dream. But it happened to be something more than that.

Something like this to follow after that miserable experience in reliving the worst phase of my life was beyond my ability to even dream. All that guilt has simply been replaced and superceded by the joy and satisfaction of having done that something I only desired so deep in myself that I was too scared to think of it- lest it not come true.

What do you feel when you realize that you have lost something and for 8 years you keep wondering whether there is even the slimmest hope that it will come back? What do you feel when it comes back after 8 years? What do you feel when you suddenly realize you are living your deepest desire that you have been secretly nurturing for over 8 years? What do you feel when you know that this is going to be the last time this is going to take place?

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The things that happen only to ME...

And Nothing Else Matters…

Just last night I decided to do something queer. I just thought –“Ok. So lets see what are the things or who are the people without whom I really cant survive.” I wanted to know, in a practical way, as to who or what I was in actual need of to lead my life. I was a little apprehensive about going about this. Why? Well simply because I would sort of tell myself the naked truth as to whom or what I truly like and at the same time, I would know who all or what all doesn’t make a difference to me. And trust me: I really had a hard experience.

First I set out on the things that I couldn’t really live without. Well apart from the daily necessities of life that I am inevitably forced to use, I did find a few things I couldn’t live without.

First of all, my books. Books- of all kinds. My academics reference books, or be it my novels, my motivational books, all those books on World War 2, or those text books I have always loathed, all those spiritual books, books that I wrote myself-I am referring to my diaries-, or be it all those used and worn out notebooks that I once used long back. I just cant live without them. I need them every hour of the day. Without them, whatever dreams I have won’t be fulfilled in anyway.

And come to think of it, I really had a hard a time to find out something else that I really needed to survive. What answer I got was definitely surprising. In fact some people would laugh at it. The only other thing that I can’t live without is Pink Floyd. Pink Floyd simply filled in that void I had in me a few years back. Every time I heard “Time”, I would just be reminded of all those days gone by wherein all I did was nothing but waste time. I still do. But those lyrics, that lead guitar piece, that retro sound recording….it all just helps me put things in the right perspective. I can keep on talking about all the other songs as well…but that would take up a lot more time and space than what I want to write here.

So that was it: the only two things that I couldn’t live without were my books and Pink Floyd. Nothing else at all.

And then I came to all those people without whom I couldn’t live. I started thinking. Ok kept on thinking. Ok : my parents surely. I have literally been brought up by them. More about them later.

Ok so who else? Of course, my close friend! No names on the blog. So u won’t know who I am talking about. I met this guy about 5 years back. Since then, I couldn’t help but like his company. Today he knows me inside out. And even I know him inside out. And he happens to be the only person who continued to call me when I was in my hostel. Those were tough times for me. I used to stare at the mobile for about an hour hoping that it would ring. It simply never did-apart from his phone calls. So to whoever is reading this, and know that they should have called me and didn’t, well I just have one thing to say: “ None of you people deserve me. I am not made to be someone who knows any of you closely. I deserve people a lot better than you”

Well so apart from my parents and my close friend, I have one more close friend…we have been traveling on the same seas on the same path, but not on the same boat. Our destinations are the same. But our vehicles changed sometime back. But still he is one of the very few guys I have met who think straight, believing that doing the right thing is right. Surely he has made a big difference to me.

Well so there u go. 4 people, two things…end of story.

But only then, I came to realize that the story had just begun.

In my next blog maybe, I will tell you what I meant by the story had just begun.

The things that happen only to ME...

Perfect Strangers

Something happened two days back.

Something had returned a few months back. And I was happy. I was really happy. It had always been my dream since it had ended on that fateful august night 7 years back. It had turned me mad. It took me a lot of time to come back my senses. Then after I came back to my senses, I was occupied with a lot other things. Couldn’t spare much time about something long gone.

But how was I to know that someday, some guy working in Google would come up with a concept under his own name that would literally sweep my world away? And so came Orkut. And the first day I came on Orkut, I knew what I was searching for.

And I found it. That was a few months back. Things went on smoothly. And I was really happy. Until two days back. I was made to relive each and every moment of the worst days of my life. All those foolish and insane choices that I made long then that led to that august night. I had to relive all that guilt. Guilt not that I caused hurt to someone. But guilt which showed me just how horrible I could be. Guilt that said- I am bad. Something that made me loose whatever self esteem I had built up over the years. That guilt made me feel bad about myself. And I didn’t like it. Nobody does.

It was really hard on me. A few months back, I had thought the whole past was dead and buried. I thought it was all history. But it was to come and haunt me again. And I don’t want that to happen again. And I am in a dilemma as to what I have to do to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

Do I just stop contacting? Or should I give it some more time? For the first time I was contacted on my mobile phone. So what? Nothing much. Just that not many do so.

I still remember I had thought that we would remain as nothing more than perfect strangers. But then it had changed. And now I guess it will go back to just that- Perfect Strangers.