Cleaning out my Closet

This is a very special post for me.

I have been having holidays for the past 2-3 months and so I have been staying at home all this while. So many things I had planned for these 3 months. I won’t say that nothing materialized at all. But I have been quite disappointed with myself about not being able to do all those things I had planned.

But these holidays have indeed been eventful for me. I started them by working on a project. Then of course came the FIFA World Cup. And so my biological clock was shifted forwards by about 5 hours. And I am still trying to readjust it. I really couldn’t do much during the World Cup. And so after the world cup was when things began happening.

I started working on something that I had newly discovered and was really happy about it. But again, I feel now that I could have done better. These being my holidays- I very well knew that I was capable of more. But anyway I did extract something out of it. And apart from that, I met most of my friends. I attended my High School reunion. And I organized my PU College friends’ reunion from St. Joseph’s. That just took place today.

I really had a great time talking about all the fun we had at Joseph’s those two years. Trust me. Those two years were simply the best of my life. I don’t think I can ever get back times like those two years. We relived every moment of those two years worth remembering. And it was great to see old friends not having changed. I will really miss those times.

And apart from meeting up with old friends, well, for those of you who have been reading my old posts, you will know that my holidays witnessed the return of someone special-after 8 years. Well, yes. She was indeed someone special to me and those 3 nights that I spoke to her for 5 hours each are something that I had never expected to happen. Those 3 nights gave me something that I had been too scared to even wish for. But I knew all the time that she had not come back to stay. It was only intended to be what it finally turned out to be. On the third night, I realized that that was the last time I would ever be talking to her. And today, we formally agreed that in order to maintain the sanctity of our relationship, we should not contact each other anymore- for the rest of our lives. And I was happy about it. So was she. And so it ended.

I also happened to get in touch with a few more special people from the past. Ok. I will be frank. Even these special people were girls. I don’t see any crime in that. These were the girls, with whom I used to talk to over the phone for hours together at some point of time or the other. And I was happy about it. But like all the others, none of them stayed for good. And so I contacted them through various means.

One of them was able to recognize me. And that’s it. There was no intention shown whatsoever to even mention that we had been close friends for a long time. Well, I guess that sort of required a finishing touch. So I sent her a message saying “Well we did have some good times. It was nice knowing you. Tata!” And so it ended.

One more “special” person was someone whom I had not contacted for over 3 months. Simply because she didn’t have the simple courtesy to give me even a missed call for over 3 months during which it was only me who was calling her. Ok…whatever. Now this female got recently placed in some not-so-big company. Last I heard she was still trying for her dream company. And she happened to let me know of her progress in her placements. Some very fine aspect cropped up in my messages which I guess was either misunderstood or was simply waited for as an excuse to end the relationship. Of course, no formal funeral has taken place till now. But I have this itching sensation that it is not too far away. Well, if this is the end, so be it.

And yes. There is one more of those “special” persons still to talk about. The fate of this special person’s relationship with me is now being decided as I type. Well she was someone I have known since I was 5 years old. Yes. You can say my childhood friend. And we got to know each other better in the later stages of high school and PUC and the later years. To state a fact, she is the one with whom I have spoken the most over the phone. And I used to talk to her for a long time even until as recent as December 2005. But then again I realized that it was only me who was calling. There was no effort whatsoever from her side to contact me in anyway. And that disappointed me quite a bit. So I stopped calling. Sometime now and then I used to call her. But I got no reply. And she never made one damn call to my phone all the while. And today it so happened that she messaged me out of nowhere asking me how I am. I reply casually. She thinks I am sarcastic. I can’t help it. So I have right now given her the choice whether she wants to continue to talk to me or not. And I am waiting for her reply. Yes this is happening as I type. Honestly speaking I don’t want to talk to her. All these past 6-7 months, I have learnt to live without her talks. I have changed. I really can’t change again. But the way I am sending the messages indicates to her that I would like to continue the friendship. But I have given her the final choice. And right now I am still waiting.

Well, I have now waited for over an hour and I have got no reply. So I shall not wait any longer. No. I am not going to announce the funeral of our friendship now. If anything actually develops regarding this matter, then I will let you know soon.

But come to think of it, it’s not just that a few people I knew are going away for good. Its that “I” am making them go away. It is that I have now come to the understanding that I had a past once. And that it was filled with a lot of people. And that not all stay. In fact, it is more apt to say that I should stay with people from the past those who are worthy of company.

And so for the past few weeks, I have been flushing out my past mistakes. I have been bidding goodbye to all those people in my life who do not deserve me. I have been cleansing myself of all the untold sins that I have committed. I have been throwing away all the unscrupulous elements of my past character. I have been looking forward for a new life.

In short, I guess I have just been cleaning out my closet. And now it is all devoid of any unwanted thing of my past. It’s in fact, full of new hopes and aspirations, the confidence that something can be done after all and that recurring phrase in my head. I won’t be telling what it is. It is something that I shall reveal only when I am worthy of it.

And now I am ready.

Bring It On.

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About Akshay N R

Civil Engineer by Profession; Dudeist by Religion. Also allergic to mediocrity.

Posted on July 30, 2006, in The things that happen only to ME.... Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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