That’s right. Here I am…all over again. This is my fifth take at this thing that we all call life. It has been more than 2 years now, since I had my first shot at this thing. And I have been having retakes every 4-5 months. Every semester I complete is like another 4 months down the drain. Every time I set out on my next semester I feel it is going to be different. I feel it is going to be better than my previous ones. But in the end, when my exams arrive, the only realization that comes into my head is that I am just 4 more months closer to my grave. The first thought that comes to my head at that time is that of shooting myself point blank with a 3-mm gun. But that is again just a thought which I can’t simply put into action. It is just that desire to escape reality that permits these thoughts into my head. And I seem to get that thought quite frequently nowadays.
It has without fail come to me every exam, every test, every quiz test, every assignment that I have copied, every class I have bunked, every day that I dint take bath, every Sunday that I got up late, every hour I wasted playing some or the other game on my computer, every day I dint do my spiritual duties, every week that I did not make an effort to call my parents, every unnecessary call that I made, every time I saw someone succeed and realize that I could have done a much better job than them, every time I plan for the week and don’t stick to it, every time I promise myself something and don’t live up to it, every time I look at the mobile phone and realize that just looking at it is not going to make it ring, every time some unknown person tells me that I don’t have anyone to talk to when I need to, every time I look at my Mridangam and remember that I haven’t been playing it since quite some time, every time I finish watching a movie and realize that I wont be studying that much time I had promised myself I would at the start of that movie, every time my results come out of any test that I have attended and realize that I am saved because a majority of the class is worse than me, every time I meet my Professor, whom I treat as God , and he tells me that I am one of those really gifted people who are hard to find these days, every time that I have to tell my results to my parents, in fact, every time I speak to my parents and they ask me how I am studying, every time I think that I deserve someone special in my life, every time I let my clothes unwashed for a long time, every time a lecturer asks a question in the class and either I don’t know the answer or someone else answers it, every time I think of what I wanted to be and every time I think of what I am.
“ ….that it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.
….and the fault is my own and the fault is my own…”
So says a popular song. I cant agree more in my present situation.
I have big dreams. Not of having in my possessions a lot of materialistic things. But of a more fulfilling desire. A desire to see myself succeed – succeed big in what I always wanted to do. There is no greater pleasure and satisfaction in life than making something big happen- all just because of your effort. And that is my ultimate goal. And it cant be done in one night or in a year. But it can surely be done within the span of my life.
It feels very good to think about all the things one can actually accomplish. And it is an even greater feeling when one actually achieves them. But what does one do when one doesn’t have the faith arising due to past success? But instead has to bear the guilt of not doing what is required to do of him every damn day of his life?
You just do it.
Whoever gave that line must have just done it.
But again this is a new beginning for me. A new chance. A new semester. I will be leaving tomorrow night to my hostel. And what happens then onwards will be totally upto me. I have the freedom to make or break myself. I have a lot of plans for this semester.
“Plans that either come to nought
or half a page of scribbled lines…”
-“TIME” by Pink Floyd
I hope it doesn’t come to that. But yes I can still pull off something that I have put off for over two long miserable years. I had spoken of a phrase in one of my previous blogs that would be my identity soon. And I also said that I would not reveal it until I am worthy of it. I still stand by that. But for all those who have simply counted me off, I have nothing to say to all of you. For all the others, I say to you,
You were damn right.