A Requiem for the Past
A requiem is a funeral song and it is sung, well, during funerals. No, nobody I know of personally died or anything. But in one of my previous blog posts, I had mentioned that a formal funeral hadn’t yet taken place. Well, I guess it’s time had come. The funeral took place yesterday in the morning amidst really unusual circumstances.
I am talking about the funeral of my relationship with one of my one-time close friend. It wasn’t too hard on me. I guess that’s why I am not unduly worried or concerned about it. Anyway it all started two days back when this friend of mine gave me a missed call after like some 4 months. Four months during which no effort was made whatsoever on her part to call me or atleast give me a missed call so that I would call back. Nothing at all. And then all of a sudden, this girl calls out of nowhere and still expects me to call her back. Ok. I was really curious. So I called her back.
The conversation went on smoothly. She laughed a lot. It will be fair to say that I made her laugh. Six months back it would have meant something really special. But now, after 4 months of neglect, it didn’t make any difference at all. Nothing whatsoever. I was surprised myself. But come to think of it, the whole conversation as such didn’t seem to make any difference in anyway to me. It didn’t make me happy. It didn’t make me depressed, or angry or anything for that matter. I found out that I was experiencing the most basic form of human indifference. It just didn’t matter to me what she said or how she responded. After talking to her for well over an hour, I just went back to my books and started studying. It was as if nothing had ever taken place at all.
But I had told her about my blog. I gave her the address. So yesterday morning, when I was doing my drawing assignment, I get a message. It was from her and it said that she was reading my blog. And she messaged me that part I had written about her in “cleaning out my closet”. And she said she was deeply hurt and that no one had been this rude to her ever before. She said she wanted to cry but couldn’t as she was in a browsing center. She went on to say that it was not that people didn’t deserve me but that I didn’t deserve anyone. And she asked me to make that change in the blog.
She says that calling me the previous night was one of her biggest mistakes.( I still don’t know why she called me in the first place.) And so I reply saying that I had no problem in declaring that I was rid of all guilt because none of this was my mistake. I told her that she had no idea about how much pain she caused me. I told her that she had made no effort to even check whether I was dead or alive. And I asked her to ask herself honestly if she made any effort to contact me at all. The reply I got was that she didn’t want any more of my messages. She said that now she didn’t want to even know if I was alive or dead. And she said “bye”.
I guess there was nothing left to do but to say the same back to her. But I decided to do it in a more civilized way. So I just messaged saying that I did not have any guilt whatsoever. And that time had come indeed to part. I wished her all the best for her future and expressed my wish that she live her dreams. I told her that in case at any point of time, if she ever remembered me, then I requested her to remind herself of the better times that we had. And I bid her “bye” and told her to take care.
And that was it. Period.
I somehow liked to think of her whenever I listened to “Scarborough Fair” by Simon and Garfunkel. I am listening to it right now. But I am not thinking of her anymore. I guess she is now a thing of my past. It just didn’t make any difference to me at all when I came to know that I would not be talking to her anymore. I just looked at my mobile and then carried on with whatever I was doing.
I guess its just been another reason for me to sit in front of my computer and type a blog post. Nothing more. Well for all you know, even that is getting over. Soon there will be nothing to remind me of all those times. I guess, in the end, it just didn’t make any difference.
Come to think of it in a much broader view, it looks like the past is just going away. Nothing of that dreadful past I had, seems to be around me anymore. Simply put, it is now time to sing. Sing a song. Sing a funeral song. For the funeral of my past.
The Requiem for my Past sings aloud. And ahead.
Here I come.