Why now?

Why? Why am I reminded of that someone now? Why, after all that happened, am I being given glimpses into the past, the past wherein the future had lots to offer? Why am I being made to think that things could have turned out better if I had done things differently? Why am I being made to think that things were not so bad after all? Why am I getting thoughts that I shouldn’t have backed off at the last instant on the day before the worst day of my life? December 8th 2005. I had been dreaming of that day for over 2 years. I was dreaming about it even the night before. Only thing- it never took place. I called it off just before midnight for reasons that best made sense to me only at that time. Maybe it had something to do with the money, the 2000 bucks that I had saved up for it. Funny thing, till today I don’t know where that 2000 bucks went! Only thing I know is that it didn’t go to thing that was to be its purpose. And I guess that’s the only thing that matters.

“Are you coming to Scarborough Fair?

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme..

Remember me to one who lives there….

She once was a true love of mine…”

I keep listening to Scarborough Fair every now and then. And I would be lying if I said that I am not reminded of all those things that I had believed were forgotten. It comes back to me- in bits and pieces- every now and then. Whenever I see a few pics, come across something connected to the better times we had, whenever I see a titillating movie, and of course whenever I listen to Scarborough Fair by Simon and Garfunkel. Its not only about what had happened way back then that I think about, it is also as to what could have been. Maybe they would have been better, maybe not. But something definitely different than what I am right now.

After October 28th 2005, two days after that someone special forgot to wish me on my birthday and one day after a penalty was accepted by that same someone, was the one of the happiest days of my life. It was my first time and I guess I couldn’t have planned it better. And it will always be remembered for all those fine and subtle hint droppings that I made about my intention. And of course for the fact that I couldn’t wipe off that damn smile off my face for a good couple of weeks! And those were good times.

So there are good times and there are bad times. And then there are no times. I guess I am going through one of them now. Apart from a few things, it has just been nothing more than a vegetating experience over the past few months. But however life maybe now, I will always find something or the other to ponder about. And as far as I see it, right now, my pondering is over.

Life does seem pleasant in retrospect. Regardless of what happened, or what could have happened, or what might have happened, in the end, I guess you are just happy to have been through all of that and still being able to live through them in your memories. Life is good….yeah life is good.

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