Monthly Archives: March 2009
SCENE 2: South Park Elementary School
Kids and their parents are in the school meeting the teachers in a classroom. The meeting is almost over. Principal Victoria, Mr. MacKey and Mr. Garrison are finishing sitting next to each other behind a table and discussing among themselves.
Principal Victoria : I just hope it gets over soon. I need to reach my book club meeting in less than an hour.
MR. MACKEY : (consults a list) Well lets see…. Kyle Browlowski-done. Stan Marsh-done. Wendy-done. Eric Cartman-thank god THATS over! Hmmm okay lets see who is remaining here…hmmm okay…hmmm okay..HA! Timmy!
(Silence in classroom. Nobody responds)
MR. MACKEY : Timmy! Is Timmy here?
(Again no response)
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA : MR. MACKEY did you inform Timmy’s parents about the meeting?
MR. MACKEY : Well actually PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Timmy has not attended school since a long time.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA : What?? Why wasn’t I told about it? Have you contacted his parents about this?
MR. MACKEY : (Hesitates) Well I did kinda tell them sometime back….hmm okay..
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA : What do you mean kinda?
MR. MACKEY : Well I did call them, hmmm okay….but there was this communication gap you see…hmm okay
MR. MACKEY calls a number on a phone.
MR. MACKEY : Hello..is Timmy there?
Voice (at the other end) : Richard!!!
MR. MACKEY : Not Richard…I am looking for Timmy…okay?
Voice : Richard!!!!!
MR. MACKEY : Hello…is this Timmy’s house?
(thinks aloud and checks his phone directory) Did I get the right number here??
MR. MACKEY : (Looks confused. Thinks what to do for a moment.)
Voice: (Confused as well) Ri..cha..rd.??
MR. MACKEY: Hmmm..okay
(Timmy’s father Richard is shown on a wheelchair answering the phone)
Richard: Richard…..Richard??? Richard!!!!!!
BACK TO PRESENT
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA : Well you better call them again MR. MACKEY
(Shot changes to STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN AND KENNY seated in the classroom.)
Stan : Guys, any of you seen Timmy?
Kyle : I haven’t seen him in months dude!
Kenny : (Muffled) Me neither!
Stan : We gotta find him before he gets himself into any trouble.
ERIC CARTMAN : Guys guys aren’t we forgetting the important question here??
(All 3 of them think for a moment)
Stan : What is it Cartman?
ERIC CARTMAN : Who is Timmy??!!?
Kyle : God damn you Cartman! Have you already forgotten Timmy? He was our friend who was in a wheelchair!
ERIC CARTMAN (Suddenly remembering): Oh yeah our retarded friend who was always drooling! Now I remember! Where has he been all these days?
Stan : Lets check at his home….
(Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny leave the classroom)
TO BE CONTINUED…
Ok..considering the fact that putting up the entire script for a new south park episode will not prove practically feasible, I have decided to split it into different scenes and upload each one of them. Feedback, changes and improvements are welcome and will be incorporated in the final script. Needless to say, this is just for fun. So if you are a South Park fan, then feel free to discuss.
The theme of the episode is to get Timmy back into school. Timmy has not been coming to school since a long time and so Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny decide to get their friend back to school. They find out why Timmy has not been coming to school and try to fix it.
SCENE 1: SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
Bell rings. Students settle down in class as Mr. Garrison enters the class.
Mr. Garrison : Ok children settle down now and pay attention as I have an important announcement to make.
ERIC CARTMAN : [Already bored] Aah! Here we go again!
Mr. Garrison : Principal Victoria has arranged a Parent-Teacher meeting tomorrow at the school. All of you are required to bring your parents after school for the meeting.
ERIC CARTMAN : [Suddenly alert] Huh? What?
Kyle : Didn’t you hear dumbass? You have to get your parents tomorrow for the parents-teacher meeting.
ERIC CARTMAN : What??!!? But how??
Mr. Garrison : Eric! What is it?
ERIC CARTMAN : Er… Mr. Garrison , I don’t think I will be able to bring my parents tomorrow.
Mr. Garrison : [Angrily]What did you say?
ERIC CARTMAN : I said I don’t think I will be able to bring my parents tomorrow.
Mr. Garrison : And why would that be?
ERIC CARTMAN : [Speaking as a matter of fact] Mr. Garrison its just that… (pause) my mom is sick and I don’t know who my dad is!
[Entire class goes silent. Mr. Garrison just stares blankly. Eric Cartman stares back at him blankly. ]
Mr. Garrison : Stop lying young man!!
ERIC CARTMAN : About what Mr. Garrison ? My mom, or my dad??
[Awkward Silence again in the classroom]
Kyle : [To Eric] Dude, your mom was fine last night. What happened man?
Mr. Garrison : [Angrily] That does it! Eric Cartman, you are bringing your mother tomorrow for the meeting!
ERIC CARTMAN : F*** you Kyle!
TO BE CONTINUED….
First up, let me make my stand very clear here. As much as I want to believe that I have no faith in Astrology and that none of my decisions are influenced by it, I concede otherwise, but only to the extent of acknowledging the existence of the science. I wouldn’t particularly be making every decision of my life based on astrology. Now having said that, I am going to tell you about a few recent instances wherein I have had a brush with astrology without ever actually intending to do so myself.
Recently, in the month of January, my parents had been to visit this astrologer near my home and were very impressed with his knowledge and analysis. He was apparently able to describe very accurately a lot of things of mine and my parents’ past, which particularly impressed my mom. Hence, she inevitably asked him about my future prospects, (onsidering the fact that during January, I was going through one of the worst phases of my life.), especially regards my education. To this, the astrologer assured my mom that I was going through a bad phase of my life and that I would face better times from the month of February. Sure enough, I quit my job in February due to poor health, which I was not complaining about as I was not particularly excited about the job, and in fact consider it as a good thing that happened to me. Then more importantly, I got an admit to do Masters in Imperial College London, one of the most prestigious universities in the world, about which I was extremely happy about. So yes, what the astrologer said did indeed come true. And looking at this, my mom strongly recommended the astrologer to her sister who has a son and a daughter appearing for their 12th and 10th board exams respectively. The astrologer again accurately described the characters of both the children and that again impressed my aunt too. And so there was this inevitable question asked to the astrologer by my aunt about the education of her two children and this is where I guess the situation hit the roof! To the specific question about how my cousin will fare in the highly competitive IIT-JEE exam, the astrologer, after some consultations with the horoscopes, confidently declared, “Your son has to work HARD to crack the IIT-JEE!!!!!!”
WTF???I mean WTF???OF COURSE he has to work hard to crack the IIT-JEE!! As soon as I heard this, I was rolling on the floor laughing away big time! And when I told this to my cousin, even he couldn’t control himself. And to learn that our mothers paid a whopping 3000 bucks to hear the astrologer tell them exactly what they already knew was nowhere near sensible. I never forgave my mom for that and dont miss a single opportunity to mock her about the issue. But that aside, I did some deep ruminations myself about this whole thing and with my cousin. I was trying to explain to him that astrology is still true as it is able to describe very clearly the things of the past and to some extent the future as well. I told him about my own case and about a few others as well. What he replied to that made a lot of sense. He said,”Astrology may indeed be true and may actually be able to exactly describe the events of the past or tell us when the times are going to improve or deteriorate for anyone. But then, whats the point? Astrology doesn’t need to tell us about our own pasts and irrespective of whether an astrologer says so, good times or bad times are going to happen anyway. So whats exactly the point of astrology?” I strongly believe what he said made a lot of sense. But perhaps one line of argument in favor of astrology would be that if one accepts that there is truth to it, then one can possibly take the help of astrology in making some key decisions in life- which of course is not mandatory. But again, I also strongly believe that it is upto the discretion of each and every person whether they choose to follow an astrologer’s advice or go by their own instincts.
Now that was one part of the story. Here is the other part which got me more directly involved. One of my very close friends since a long time is going through a very bad patch of her life. Same old story: she likes a guy since 5 years and he likes her as well, they have been into a serious relationship and plan to get married. But he is from a different caste so her parents are strenuously opposed to this marriage. And so in order to prove their compatibility, my friend went to an astrologer (a different one) to determine whether their horoscopes matched properly. That astrologer assured her in strong and confident ways that though it was not a perfect match, there never is one and that their horoscopes were as close to perfect as usually seen. Buoyed by this information, my friend decided to confront her dad (who incidentally gives a lot of weight to horoscope compatibility) and told him that if she was able to establish the compatibility of the horoscopes, would he then reconsider his stand on the marriage. He replied in the positive and due to which, she confidently took him and her mom to the same astrologer she had met before. Now here is the twist. When she asked the same astrologer about the compatibility in front of her parents, this astrologer dude did a complete U-Turn! He began to describe the compatibility of the two horoscopes as next to disastrous to all involved and that especially the guy’s horoscope is so defective that nothing can be made to set it right! Needless to say, my friend was speechless, and with good reason. She could not really get herself to even ask him why he was saying just the oppositte. Hell, all she could ask was even if she didn’t marry that guy, would he still be under threat and to which the astrologer, again confidently replied in the affirmative!! And here is the best part: That astrologer himself declared that he is not lying and that if he is lying 3 generations of his family are going to be cursed. The irony is that this astrologer dude isn’t married in the first place!!!
And so that evening I met her and she cried in helplessness while I was running out of options to make her see that its not the end of the world. As much as I couldn’t see why this astrologer dude had to do such a thing, I really didn’t consider that what he said was final and binding. So I suggested that I would take their horoscopes to my astrologer (the one I mentioned previously) and get his opinion as it would be a neutral one. And so when I went to see this astrologer, (I was personally meeting him for the first time) I found him to be a genuinely knowledgeable man who had a very long history of astrology in his family. And so he clearly explained to me what needs to be checked and what it should read in order for proper compatibility. He found that the horoscopes were compatible in all the basic parameters and that even though the guy’s horoscope was inherently defective, he said it could be rectified with certain rituals. He asked to see them both the next day and so they went there by themselves to consult him. That evening, I found my friend to be very excited and genuinely happy and smiling all the time because the astrologer had assured them that in spite of all the opposition in the family, things would eventually get settled and that their horoscopes were compatible enough to lead a happy marriage- as long as the guy did a certain ritual to correct some defects. I found that reasonable and was happy for my friend that her relationship was back on track. Now again, here is another twist. The guy is not exactly a believer in astrology and didn’t make the effort to get in touch with the astrologer about the pooja he had to do in spite of the fact that the astrologer had given him 2 specific dates. Both dates passed and my friend began to feel very bad. So much so, she began to have second thoughts on her relationship with the guy. Her line of thinking was that if he does not show his committment in something as important as this, how will he be after marriage? She even went to the extent of telling me it was all over between them and that she was ok about it. As much as I knew that was only a temporary phase and not the end of it all, I was also concerned about when the guy would eventually start the pooja. Last I heard, he was still yet to finalize the dates.
Now here is my problem. If for whatever reason, the relationship breaks- be it for genuine or not so genuine reasons-I dont think I can sleep peacefully. The knowledge that I was directly involved at the beginning of it all is not exactly a comforting one. I really don’t see myself rationalizing my way out of this if something were to go wrong. And it would feel like hell if it actually did. So I am praying that this get settled soon and in the positive way. But again, fundamentally speaking, I come back to what I said earlier. It is not about whether astrology is really indeed true or not. It is about whether you believe in it or not. Thats it.
I just hope I get to sleep peacefully.
In glaring contrast to my previous insane post, this one is just to declare my present turnaround in fate or fortune or whatever u choose to call it. It is yet to sink in. As trivial or expected it may sound to anyone, to me, this meant a lot more than anything I have ever aimed for. And all I got to do now is to garner some not-so-insane amount of money. Thanks to all those who helped me out in this matter.
Before I say anything at all, this post is not for the faint hearted or for those looking for decency or decorum of any form. I am just pissed at my life and this post is just going to vent my ire on the present state of affairs.
Ok so here is my situation. I am out of my job. No it was not the fucked up recession- I just quit on health grounds. So right now have nothing to do but surf the net all day, laze around or at best, watch some movies and TV Series. Now in case all you working assholes think that being at home doing what I am doing is better than your fucked up workplace, well fucking think again. This aint half as good as it looks like. All I got now, is a fucked up computer with an unpredictable net connection, loads of books which I am trying to read simultaneously (8 at last count) and a fuckin inability to go out often thanks largely to my perpetually fucked up health. So what the fuck am I doing right now? Well, for one, I finally got my ass down to right a post after like ages together of inactivity. Then I sleep. I sleep till I fuckin wake up by myself. You understand what that means you suckers? No damn work or committment makes me keep some god damn alarm at 7 in the morning spoiling all the excitement that I get from the only one source of entertainment- my fuckin dreams. Yeah thats how fucked up my life is right now.
So what else am I doing? Well for one, I am definitely waiting a lot-waiting to get out of this shithole called this country to study what I want and guess what? I am on my fuckin way! UK looks like the likely destination but frankly speaking, I still have not yet decided. So if any of you morons suddenly feel the urge to enquire about which continent I am headed to, then expect me to use the choicest of the slangs which will necessarily include the word Fuck followed by or embedded in I DONT KNOW. I got two admits in UK so far. And yeah I am quite happy about that. But I aint decided anything yet. So if any of you still asks me where the fuck I am going, dont be surprised if I use more than just FUCK OFF in my reply.
My last few weeks have been largely spent in the cyberspace and on the wasted Idiot Box. I did have a drink with my dad though last weekend. Mom had gone out of station-to a pretty boiling Bijapur-on some office related work-thanks largely because of her “Promotion” to an Audit Officer. The drink lasted exactly one hour and included discussing arbit shit and listening to my dad talking the same stuff for over like some 15 years now. But I was liking the whisky-Blender’s Pride- and just concentrated on that and the extra-ordinary car chase sequence in the movie RONIN that was being played on Star Movies. Perhaps, one major achievement that I was able to do in the meantime was to watch DEVD. If you have not watched it, then go watch it. Then watch it again. And then watch it some 10 times more. And after all that, if you still find the movie mediocre or bad or just OK, then go fuckin die somewhere. You seriously do not deserve to exist on this planet. There is one fact and one fact only. Anurag Kashyap and Amit Trivedi are the new GODS of film making and Music Direction respectively. And if any of you wasted nimrods even as much as think about saying anything less credible, consider yourself the biggest fuckin douchebag on the planet. I loved the music so much, I actually for once in 6 years, went and purchased an original CD of DEV D. It cost me just 145 bucks and I would have gladly paid 500 bucks for it. I listen to the entire fuckin CD some 3-4 times a day and will continue to do so till God Knows when. Anyway me going to watch DEV D again this weekend with Sadanand, famous in this blog largely for spending 4 fuckin years in the same room with me. Also of late he has a different claim to fame. He has made a complete mockery of the dreaded CAT exam by going there with exactly ZERO preparation except probably getting his ass down to the exam centre (which is a big thing for him trust me) and giving a quite significant middle finger to the exam and then getting ALL the FUCKING SIX CALLS from the IIMS. Now all you wasted wannabees who enrol yourselves in all these wasted CAT Coaching classes spending thousands like morons and slogging your ass of for the major part of 2-3 years and then not even figuring in any of the IIM call lists, all I have to say is this:
Of course it will be the greatest disaster known to mankind if this dude fails to convert any of his calls, but I have a feeling that is not likely to happen.
Just a small thing aside my rantings. I recently met my friend who had somehow, for whatever strange reason, decided to wear her Salwar instead of her habitual Pants and shirts. The first thing that struck me was that this Salwas stuff was actually quite a feminine looking thing. Then I didn’t understand why the fuck all these girls wear all these manly masculine things like pants and shirts and all that. This female was, for a change, looking very very very very feminine in her new never-before and never-again tried attire. And I told her that like some thousand times and somehow she just couldnt accept the fact that she was looking awesome in that new type of dress. She later told me that that was the only Salwar she owns and that all the rest of her wardrobe is necessarily filled with masculine stuff. I haven’t seen her since but something tells me she reverted back to her masculine looking Shirts and Pants and all that. She is also the same female who took an auto rick from Bangalore Central to Garuda Mall and then back from Garuda Mall to Bangalore Central paying in excess of 70 bucks for a 200m drive! ROFL!!!!ROFL!!!!ROFL!!!!!! Taking a rick for 200m when you can actually see one building from the other!!! Oh man! Now THAT is something!!!She also asked me not to tell any of this on my blog here for fear that someone living some half the planet away might get upset. Hey dude (you know who you are): you upset man???
Apart from all that, I have to say my blogging has fuckin sufferred. There was never a time when I went for more than a month without writing. I wrote shit and I wrote some more shit. But I wrote some shit atleast. Now I have like 3 fuckin drafts in my wordpress account which I haven’t been able to complete in all the free fuckin time I have had the past few weeks. Among them are my trip to IIT Madras to see Opeth, my even more memorable NITK Convocation, and also the recent Maiden concert in bangalore. I cant believe I havent finished these posts still. I cant believe I havent done any fucking constructive work for the past few weeks. I have never felt so fuckin dead in a long fuckin time.
Every fuckin day I wake up at like-whenever I wake up- and I brush my teeth and eat whatever makeshift breakfast my dad has prepared. Then watch some wasted TV or try my best not to get frustrated when my fuckin Internet connection isn’t working. Then go have some lunch in my granny’s place or my aunt’s place and then come back and try to convince myself that I am still alive and that I am not dreaming. Oh wait, I dont think I do the last part. My dreams are way more exciting to convince myself otherwise. Perhaps the only damn constructive activity I have been doing over the past few weeks is to teach my cousin some math for her Tenth Board exams and to teach my other cousin some multiplication before she is taught that in a routine wasted way at her school. I have also been writing a shitload of essays for some scholarship that I have absolutely no damn hopes on and submitting it like 10 minutes after the deadline and then thinking it is too late only to realize that it was not and that I am still eligible for being considered for the scholarship. And oh yeah, I have been having this very interesting and totally unexpected role to play as the guy who can end up breaking up a 5 year old strong relationship, involving his extremely close freind, heading for marriage, with astrology. Ok now, seriously What the Fuck am I doing with my life? I feel so fuckin dead, I dont even know what the fuck I am doing anymore.
So what the fuck is needed to make me feel better? I have no fuckin clue. Probably a bottle of whisky with all my alcohol buddies and some Floyd in the background will help. But thats as far as my brain can work. I don’t know why the fuck I wrote all this and that too in this wasted FUCKED up manner using more slang in this one post than all of my 100 posts combined. I guess that can be easily attributed to this new TV Series I have been watchin- CALIFORNICATION-about a guy who, well, fucks women and then writes and then still believes his ex-wife will come back to him and then fucks some more women. Thats one of the very few good things that has happened to me of late. Not the women fucking part, but the TV series part.
I think I am done here. I said all I wanted to say. I have sworn all I wanted to swear. And I still dont have any fucking clue what I am going to do for the rest of the day or rest of the hour or even rest of the fuckin minute.
Aaah! This shit sucks!!