Breaking News: All Football Players to now get Injuries Prior to Internationals

In a unanimous move, all the Football players around the world have decided to get injured just prior to the next round of International games in order to avoid getting injured during the internationals. This decision was taken immediately after the latest round of International friendlies and Euro qualifiers and comes close on the heels of a number of players getting injured while on national duty.

Theo Walcott, one of the many players to be injured, seems to have taken the initiative to bring together all fellow football players who face a long time on the sidelines after getting injured in the internationals. “This just cannot carry on. I am sick and tired of getting injured during international matches. Last year I broke my shoulder and this year it is my ankle! Now I have to just sit and watch while lesser performing players take my place at Arsenal. Also, now I will not have enough playing time under my belt to make sure that Capello chooses me for the next International!”

Walcott is particularly disappointed that his good form for Arsenal came to a premature end with this injury. “The timing could not have been worse. I was fresh from not going to South Africa and I began to score goals and make assists with total ease. And then this happens.”

Walcott says he hit upon the idea of getting injured prior to the internationals while he was under the influence of drugs in the hospital. “I was just sitting there, getting my painkiller drips, and then I had what alcoholics refer to as ‘a moment of clarity'” said Walcott, sporting a smug for making the Pulp Fiction reference. When none of the journalists cared to make any comment, Walcott continued, “You see its very simple. All you have to do to not get injured during an international game is to not play in that game at all! And a foolproof way to get that done is to get yourself injured right before the game!”

Asked if he hit upon this idea after watching fellow England team mates Lampard and Terry pull out of the team with injuries, Walcott was quick to reply. “Of course! I thought it was obvious. In fact, I now feel I should have thought about this much earlier- you know, like BEFORE the game perhaps” Walcott said finishing the line with a wink.

Fierce rivals Tottenham also had their own Walcott story with Jermain Defoe being ruled out for 6 weeks after getting injured while on England duty. The striker has been in great form for his club and echoed the sentiments of Walcott.

“This has to end. I have made up my mind! Next time I will get injured BEFORE the game!” Asked how he plans to implement his plan, Defoe said, “That would be easy! All you have to do is pick up a small injury while playing the last game for your club before the international. You know-like pick up what is referred to commonly as a “small knock”. Something not too serious to worry about but at the same time big enough to be out for a week or maximum two.”

When asked if even he was borrowing the idea from Lampard and Terry, he replied, “Yeah! I mean look at Lamps and John. They have made the best of their international time! Lamps missed a penalty just to ‘show’ that he was perhaps injured. Then he scheduled his operation immediately after which he conveniently has two weeks to recover and be fit in time to face West Ham! That is just totally awesome don’t you think? I mean just look at what he did! He used the international games break to become more fit and healthy! While on the other hand, look at me- totally messed up for the next 2 months! There are really some things you have to learn from that fella! I guess its better late than never!”

Among other players to get injured on international duty was Alexander Hleb, the Birmingham City new signing who was looking to revive his career at St. Andrews after being relegated to the bench at Barcelona. “This is not really something new to me really. I am injured now. The only difference now is that instead of sitting on the bench helplessly and watching my team play, I will now be sitting on a hospital bed helplessly and watching my team play. So you see not much of a difference there. I am not that disappointed.”

When informed about the grand plan to get injured right before the internationals, Hleb was ecstatic- “Woah! That is a kick ass idea! I should have thought about beforehand! This way I will at least get to play SOME football! Awesome!”

Other victims from the latest round of International games include Per Mertesacker, Michael Dawson and Dirk Kuyt.

Kuyt‘s injury apparently came up from his attempting a bicycle kick during training for Holland. Keeping up with his image of working extremely hard (measured by the copious amounts of sweat he is so keen on displaying towards the end of each game) while consistently producing nothing (apart from the occasional scavenging), he appeared to put in a lot of effort while attempting his bicycle kick and then put in a lot more effort to land awkwardly on his shoulder, thereby dislocating it. The fact that this was done during training when it was totally unnecessary and the fact that nobody cared where the ball went anyway undermines Kuyt’s intent to  distract everyone from his lack of productivity by showing them his hard-working nature.

“Next time I shall surely get injured while attempting a bicycle kick during a Liverpool training!” said an exhalted Kuyt after coming to know about the scheme.

When confronted by these claims, Carlo Ancelotti was quick to defend his players. “What the players do with their private lives is none of my business. Its upto them and as long as they are training well and playing well, I really don’t care!”

When pointed out that the question was not about John Terry‘s private affairs, Ancelotti responded by shouting in Italian at his Italian translator. Then he said, “I totally deny that! Lampard and Terry are the greatest professionals in this game! It was just a coincidence that the operation had to be done just as the Internationals started. It is a recurring problem. So maybe he will need another operation soon, maybe sometime in November.”

When a reporter told him that that is the time when the next round of international matches are going to be played, Ancelotti replied, “It is just a coincidence like I said. Maybe Terry will get one more knock just before the break. Maybe Ashley Cole will also join in the party. Who knows? Can you predict the future?” As he began to leave the reporters, he was caught on camera having a secret laugh and muttering “He he he… Those reporters they will believe anything! He he he…!”

However, Arsene Wenger was not in a mood for any laughter. “This is just totally ridiculous. Last time it was Van Persie and this time it is Walcott! International matches my arse! Now I am going to personally make sure that ALL my players, without exception, will get injured just before the next round of international games. Of course, we will make sure that all those injuries are genuine and that all of them occur under safe circumstances like our training ground. After all, we don’t want our players trying to get injured and be subjected to another Eduardo or Ramsey kind of tackle do we? We will not break any laws and will show real injuries to all our players. Our medical team is already working on the most efficient way of getting injured just for the right amount of time. Many people refer to our squad as the ‘injured Arsenal Squad’. If these injuries keep happening, then the ‘injured’ part will become redundant! The only way out is this new scheme!”

All across the world, Club managers are voicing their dissent towards the treatment meted out to their players while on international duty. Bayern Munich chairman, Karl-Heinz Rummenigge wants insurance against all players who go on to represent their national teams. All other club managers too have unanimously agreed to get the players injured in an optimal way for best results. Some clubs have even gone on to open a separate department that deals with this responsibility aptly naming it “The Department of Optimal, Voluntary and Controlled Injury”.

England Manager Fabio Capello on the other hand is not amused with this grand scheme that threatens to make him lose his job. When confronted about the scheme, Capello shot back, “Let me see how they will do it! The people who do it are too dumb to see the consequences.”

He elaborated further, “You see all these youngsters like Walcott, Defoe and Dawson continuously make statements indicating their desire to play for the national team and how they plan to do that by playing good for their clubs. So they will perhaps continue to play very good for their clubs  hoping to get a call up to the England squad. And then get injured just before the internationals. And this they do so that they can play more club football to impress me to pick them for the next England game! And then they get injured just before that game! And then the cycle repeats! What nonsense is this? Dont these kids realize that they will never be able to play this way-ever! It is like they are -what do you call it- ah yes! Its like they are chasing the carrot! Of course, it is like they are chasing a carrot which they themselves are carrying! Idiots!”

Whatever maybe the case, it is definitely going to be interesting to see how this whole new scheme pans out.

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