Everyone’s Tale of Acceptance

Sometimes things work out. Sometimes they don’t. Mostly they do. Or we just make it work.

We have all seen it. People living together and staying together. People moving to a new city and staying there for the rest of their lives. People sticking to one job or profession all their lives.

Because that’s what people do.

They stay.

Yes marriages and relationships fail. People move to different places and change jobs. But then that was never the argument. My argument is that if you stay long enough, you will stay for good.

As far reaching as my contention may appear, I wish to elaborate.

When two people get into a relationship, there is attraction at some level to start with. Always. Then comes the part about getting to know the other person. New things are discovered about the partner. Some are likable. Some, not so likable. Barring one or many shocking revelations, the relationship continues.

When someone moves to a new city, they move for reasons that span the entire spectrum: from an exciting new job to blindly following a sweet heart. It could be an opportunity or it could be a compromise. Take your pick. But irrespective, there is a period of getting to know the city – all it has to offer, what it lacks, the people, the places, the weather. And again, barring one or many shocks, they continue to live in the city.

When someone takes up a job, the reason is more likely just pure necessity. It gives money, it pays the bills, it gives peace of mind, and it helps you feel secure about the future. But then over time the rigors of a regular job are revealed. Some things are likable and some things are not. But yet again, barring a deep rooted hatred for the job or the boss, people continue to show up every single working day at the same place.

But why? Why don’t more people seek new relationships, new city experiences or new job challenges?

The answer is simple:

Because everyone’s ongoing predicament is not sufficiently bad.

That’s pretty much it.

Unless acted upon by sufficiently bad circumstances

A relationship need not be passionate or significantly compatible to work out for the long term. If the two people involved like each other to some minimum extent and don’t hate each other’s guts on a day to day basis, there is usually very little motivation to leave. They just learn to live with it.

A city need not be exactly what one is looking for. As long as there are things to keep people occupied, friends to hang out with, and some basic fulfillment of expectations, people will stay. The city may not have a vibrant social life but the light traffic and laid back lifestyle is perhaps a relief. Or put it the other way around, the traffic may be a pain, but there may be so many things to do and places to go to, that it makes everything else worth it. So unless there is something that is completely unacceptable or when even the most basic of expectations are not met, people will just stay.

A job need not be a dream job. The security the regular income provides goes a long way in making a job pretty darn comfortable. Not necessarily enjoyable, but very comfortable. The coworkers maybe a pain but the boss is good and there is some pride and recognition for the work. Or perhaps the work is monotonous and the boss is just barely manageable, but the work ultimately provides for the family and helps people stay close to their loved ones. So yet again, unless there is a complete breakdown in professional relationships or the hatred for the job is intense, people will just continue to stay.

There is an obvious and clear thread running through these situations. All of them involve spending significant time in a particular set of circumstances. Then follows the revelation and understanding of the good and the bad the situation has to offer. And then comes the part where people just get very comfortable wherever they are.

And then they just stay.

So ultimately, if under any set of circumstances involving a person, place or job, as long as you like the things that it has to offer and can put up with the things that it lacks or goes against your preference, and you spend sufficient time under those circumstances, you are likely to stay wherever you are. You will get comfortable too, and will even begin to feel lucky that you are able to experience all the good things that everything has to offer.

It is called a trade-off. And the longer you find the trade-off worth it, the more you are never likely to seek new challenges, experiences or relationships. It is the reason why arranged marriages work. It is the reason why people don’t move around as much. It is also the reason why the whole economy works like a clock.

People just get comfortable if things aren’t sufficiently bad. They ACCEPT, ADJUST and ADAPT.

There are a couple of lines in one of the songs in Steven Wilson’s new album. It goes thus:

Eliza dear, you know there is something I should say

I never really loved you but I’ll miss you anyway…..

The Watchmaker

It is really scary to contemplate the depths of the message in those two lines. Familiarity, comfort and security are not necessarily things to strive for. Sometimes they are just obstacles to a better life.

The grass maybe greener on the other side. But the pasture here is not bad enough to make people want to climb that hill and see what’s on the other side.

There is rarely any pride in inertia.

About Akshay N R

Civil Engineer by Profession; Dudeist by Religion. Also allergic to mediocrity.

Posted on June 19, 2013, in America, Arbit, Des Moines, Grief, Happiness, Melancholia, Sadness, Serious Writing, Thoughts and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. I don’t know if this post was a rant or reflection. But it was a good read.
    Three things came to mind:
    * Newton’s first law: The law of inertia
    * Le Chatelier’s principle: The law of equilibrium
    * A psychology paper I read recently: “Familiarity breeds contempt” more here:http://people.duke.edu/~dandan/Papers/Upside/less.pdf

  2. i LOVE this, and wholeheartedly agree. I have recently struggled with realizing I’ve mistaken boredom with contentment, but won’t do anything about it anyway. And then I addressed a 15 year old me, who perhaps would actually kick the inertia and find whatever it is I feel I am looking for.

  3. I sure did🙂 You should visit again this summer!

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