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Ok..I have no idea what i am doing right now as i am quite high on beer that i had an hour back. Just that i want to tell my entire life history to anyone who will ask for it and screw that bastard who has been using me as a scapegoat for all the moronic political reasons that he has been involved with… Screw him real bad…And all hail my Department for sticking with me through all this shit that i have to go through for telling some hard facts. Yeah i hope that bastard rots in hell and his life is just the epitome of all that is bad with this whole damn world. Like i said, i have no idea what the hell i am typing. For all You know i might be taken action against for typing like this. But as always, i dont take up names. SO SCREW YOU, YOU WASTAGE! GO CHOP URSELF OFF UR MANHOOD!
And after all this i will abide by whatever the people who stood by me say at any point of time…
And GOD only help the fact that i am still alone and still experiencing all those vicarious feelings…Right now i am listening to “Waiting for a Girl Like You” by Foreigner….Yeah right! LIke i have a girl in the first place! Now it so happens that i have not been able to get any girl for so long now, that my girl friend (note the change in spelling) since 16 years went to the extent of actually asking me to consider the possibility that i might be…..you know….i guess you understand.Next i will be listening to “Scarborough Fair” by Simon and Garfunkel and i know of whom i will be reminded of then… Its just the fact that all of them were in the past tense and not now which is the only thing that counts..Atleast thats what that book ( something called -The Present) said. Whatever..fact is that i dont have someone whom i can call in the middle of the night and who will talk to me even if they have some dumb internals the next day, someone who will make time for me rather than think which is more important.
Balls to all those people who have disappointed me all these years.
And if u have been really offended, then i suggest u go commit suicide. And now i am listening to “Why does my Heart feel so Bad?” by MOBY. It is a real good song and i listen to it everytime i feel bad. Now i am high and i really feel screwed up….by that bastard and some of my classmates. So screw u too…
You see i am drunk and so i am telling the truth. SCREW U TOO!
God help all those who read this and dont understand what i am going through for the past 2-3 days. I guess i just gotta wait till this whole thing fades away. TIME is the healer TIME moves on…just gotta wait…
I just wanna get some good university in the US and get what i want to study.
I dont know if i will land in trouble for typing this and making this public. But for all u people who didnt know what exactly had happened, all i have to say is that i have been made a scapegoat and nothing else….SO i suggest u frame ur opinion.
Again man, whatever man. I am quite high..I was not this high at the bar… Thought i had wasted all the 120 bucks that i spent on booze…
But this blog makes me feel better.
After a long time i am writing a blog and i end up writing this. So i guess its someting that is different from my usual routine. I just wanna get myself out of this mess. Oh ya and i ended up telling my Mom that it was because of her that i suffered in my childhood. ONe more fact that was. So no regrets about that.
Again again, Whatever….I just wanna get out of this mess…
JUST WANNA GET OUTTA THIS MESS……
GOD HELP ME…
Ya…Thats right! I have actually been busy and i am not free now either. I have my last damn exam tomorrow and i believe that it is morally not right to blog in a situation like this. Thats why this blog ends here. PS: I will be back soon. Real soon…
And finally i get internet in the hostel room itself. The much awaited entry of net into our sacred rooms is finally over. Now everyone can get spoilt.
I will be very careful as to what i surf and when i surf i will make sure that i wont be wasting my time. I will not surf anything that is beyind my necessity. I will use it for constructive purposes only.
Ok fact is that i will be blogging more often than b4. But right now i have to study 4 my exams that will end on monday. So till then tata.
By the way this is one more blog
I had spoken about so much guilt. Yes, I still do not deny that I felt all those guilt. But what I am gonna tell you here is something different. Something that happened last night. Simply put, it was just too good to be true. But then, I guess, God sometimes bestows us all with some incredible things. I had not even dared to dream of it. But there I was, doing that very thing, living that very undreamt dream. Well, for all you know, it could have just been a dream. But it happened to be something more than that.
Something like this to follow after that miserable experience in reliving the worst phase of my life was beyond my ability to even dream. All that guilt has simply been replaced and superceded by the joy and satisfaction of having done that something I only desired so deep in myself that I was too scared to think of it- lest it not come true.
What do you feel when you realize that you have lost something and for 8 years you keep wondering whether there is even the slimmest hope that it will come back? What do you feel when it comes back after 8 years? What do you feel when you suddenly realize you are living your deepest desire that you have been secretly nurturing for over 8 years? What do you feel when you know that this is going to be the last time this is going to take place?
It’s really funny. I will tell you some facts. For the past 1-2 years, I have had many intimate relationships with girls. As is my policy, I shall not be taking up names. I had been alone for over 18 years. I do not have any brother or sister. I am the only son to my parents. And I was alone. My only outlet to social life was the telephone. And I used it like it was one more metabolic process necessary for my survival. I used to speak for hours together every damn day. And to be frank, most of my long conversations have been with girls. I have had more girls as close friends than boys. Now that being the case, my only outlet to an intimate relationship was the phone. And then, I went to a hostel at the age of 18.
There I was surrounded by people of my age all round the clock. At any given point of time, I had atleast ten people around me. But with so many around me all the time, I was still ALONE. Yes. That’s the fact. And so my outlet to intimacy was again my mobile phone. And yes, in the initial stages, I felt handicapped that I could not talk to anyone. And then, god gave me a solution in the form of my very old school friend. I still cant believe how I would have survived there in my right senses if it hadn’t been for her.
But then you see, nothing lasts forever. Things fade. When that someone comes into your life, I guess you tend to forget and ignore all those who have been with you all the while. Well, at least that’s what happened to her. And I was left alone again. It was that handicapped time again for me. But then God again sent someone else this time.
And I was happy talking to her. I was really happy talking to her. I used to talk to her like crazy. Even at 1:30 in the night we chatted on more than one occasion. And I was happy. I even got thoughts that this relationship might go further. So I promised something. Only thing, I was not able to fulfil it. This strained the relationship. And even though we started talking again, I knew somehow things wont be the same. And they are not. We hardly talk anymore. And I was handicapped again.
And so with this background imagine what happens when something returns after 8 years that gets me walking again? Again, simply put, it’s a dream come true.
I just want to thank that person who has made such a big difference I my life. THANKS A LOT.