Arsenal, Chelsea, Fake Football News, Fake News, Football, My sense of Humour, Rant, Satire

Football Fan Wants All Teams to Play Attacking Football All The Time

Saying that he was bored to death after watching the Atletico Madrid vs Chelsea match, local football fan decided that he wants all teams to play attacking football all the time. He said that his decision was largely influenced by how Chelsea ‘parked the bus’ for the entire game and didn’t let Atletico Madrid score a single goal, thereby gaining a very valuable draw in the away leg of the Champions League Semi Final.

Football Fan deeply dissatisfied with Chelsea successfully parking the bus against all top attacking teams in Europe

“I cannot imagine how bad the game was. It was like watching paint dry. Chelsea just parked the bus and did not let Atleti to create any clear cut chances! They just could not breach Chelsea’s defense! That is just simply unacceptable from Chelsea! They should not be allowed to do that!” he said while expressing outrage about the scoreless draw.

The football fan now wants all teams to be required to play attacking football because “that is what is most entertaining and creates a lot of goals!”.

“It is not right to play a defensive game even if the team is playing away from home. Always attack attack attack!”

The self proclaimed Bayern Munich fan then went on to give examples of clubs like Barcelona and Bayern Munich who generally have a lot of possession and are always shown to be attacking the ball. “I was always supporting Barcelona. They were my passion. But then after last season’s semi final when they lost 8-0 on aggregate to Bayern Munich, I just started getting attracted to Bayern somehow. Now I just support Bayern. They are the best team in the world because they keep playing attacking football all the time! It is real great to watch them.” Digressing from the topic a bit, he then went on to criticize how fans who previously supported Chelsea changed their allegiance to Man City after City started spending and winning more titles.

Football Fan insists that is the only way to go and nothing else is acceptable

When asked to elaborate about why all teams should play the same style of football, he said “I mean, who wants to watch teams with different styles of football and hailing from different football cultures – aerially dominating, long ball tactics, physical game play, counter attacking tactics, extremely defensive formations stifling the opponent’s attack, parking the bus – pitted against each other? Really, who wants to watch those styles of play going up against each other? All I want to see is two possession based teams who pass the ball a lot and create opportunities from through balls or cut-ins. Everything else is just boring!”

He went a step further and said that the players should not feel proud if they win by playing any other style of football and that if a free-passing team such as Bayern Munich or Barcelona loses, they should always feel proud of sticking to their brand of football. “Take the Barcelona – Chelsea semi final 2nd leg at the Nou Camp in 2012. I am sure that at the end of the day, all Barcelona players and fans were celebrating with pride how they never abandoned their philosophy and played with it right to the end of them getting knocked out! Never mind the fact that with practically 100% possession in the second half, Barcelona were able to generate only ONE meaningful shot on target with those tactics. I am just proud that they kept maintaining possession and passing the ball around aimlessly while Chelsea did not give them even an inch of space for a through ball. Chelsea do not deserve any credit for their performance that day at all – even if it was with ten men”.

Football fan feels Torres’ goal against Barcelona should make all Chelsea fans feel extremely ashamed of themselves

Among recent games, he pointed to the way Arsenal lost 6-0 to Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. “Hats off to Arsenal for not at all changing any of their tactics or style of football while playing away against a top counter attacking team in all of Europe! Arsene Wenger deserves a lot of credit for sticking with his attacking free flowing possession based football away from home against Chelsea. The final score line doesn’t matter at all! The important thing is that Arsenal did not stop playing their brand of football right to the end. I am sure that all Arsenal players and fans were extremely proud about that and celebrated like they won a trophy or something!”

In the end, the fan said that tactics do not mean anything if it does not involve free flowing attacking football. “The only tactics that makes a game good to watch are those that get employed in a possession based attacking game. Everything else is just simply unacceptable. Shame on all the teams who employ other tactics to beat possession based attack minded teams! If you want to beat them, beat them with free passing tiki-taka football which is very impressive to watch. Otherwise, just don’t play and bore us with defensive displays stifling even the best attacking teams in Europe! That is just unacceptable!”

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Chelsea, Fake Football News, Fake News, Manchester United, My sense of Humour, Premier League, Rant, Satire

Breaking News: Sir Alex Ferguson frustrated as Chelsea replace Man Utd as England’s most hated club

At the unveiling of his statue in Old Trafford, Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson bemoaned the changing scenery of English football. He was speaking to over 2500 fans – which included former players Eric Cantona, the Nevilles, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Edwin van der Sar, Peter Schmeichel and more – who had all gathered to pay tribute to the man who has arguably become the face of Man Utd over the past couple of decades.

An angry Sir Alex Ferguson

In particular, he was visibly frustrated with the way Chelsea had taken over the mantle of the most hated club in England  – a seat long held by Man Utd. He said:

It is particularly disappointing to see other teams take over a position that you have worked so hard to build for so many years. When I took over in 1986, it was never easy to become the most hated club in England. But I achieved and maintained that for more than a decade. But now you have teams like Chelsea and Manchester City – Chelsea in particular – who come out of nowhere without any club history and simply knock you off that coveted spot! This is unacceptable!

The manager spared no words to express his frustration over how the media was treating Chelsea in such a biased manner.

I can’t believe today’s media in this country. They have made it so easy for people to hate Chelsea. Anything Chelsea does, the entire media criticizes and paints them to be the bad guys of English football. That is unfair  – especially as WE at United have worked so hard to be the bad guys of English football!

When asked to illustrate his strong claims against the media with specific instances, the United boss pointed to the way the media has portrayed and criticized the Chelsea owner Roman Abromovich over the years.

The media has portrayed him to be this trigger happy evil general who has insanely high expectations and yet, it conveniently overlooks all the money that he has pumped into the club. Compare that to our owner Malcolm Glazer whose sole objective is to use this club to make money for himself, and the media barely pays attention to that. Just the fact that the owner has not fired me should not shield him from media criticism.

He went on to talk about all the latest scandals and racism rows surrounding Chelsea and was particularly disappointed that he lacked players who could live up to the controversy that their Chelsea counterparts have courted in the past couple of years.

I have to admit they have more players capable of drawing controversy to themselves and the club than we do here. It’s a shame that we no longer have players like Cantona or Gary Neville who the media love to hate. Chelsea can boast of players like Terry and Cole who repeatedly get all the media’s criticism aimed at them and the club.

Even in this whole Clattenburg affair, there is so much vice and vitriol in the media against Chelsea, it is just completely unfair to us folks here at United! Think about it, the media has spewed forth so much venom over a club simply reporting a possible instance of racial abuse. Where is all this hate when referees give us undeserved penalties, or when they send off opposition players, or when they give me all the Fergie time I want? I mean, the referees practically play as our 12th player, and yet the media takes no note of it! This is outright biased and ridiculous!

Sir Alex Ferguson ensuring sufficient Fergie time

The United manager also found time to point out how the media had reacted to Chelsea winning the Champions League. He compared that to how his team have been treated by the media during similar situations.

It is ridiculous to see the lengths the media has gone to criticize Chelsea winning the Champions League. Just because a team plays unattractive football and banks on a bit of luck on the way to winning the biggest prize in Europe, it should not make them subjects of criticism. I mean, here at United, we have been practically winning titles that way for more than 2 decades! Where is OUR fair share of hate and ridicule then?!?

Sir Alex Ferguson then spoke of his pride at having a statue of himself erected while he was still manager at the club. He claimed that he would remain the club’s manager longer than it would take for the statue to rust. Nobody bothered to argue his claim.

Before he concluded his talk, he brought the subject back to the media’s role and sought attention to the prevailing bias.

The media needs to take note of its unfair bias regarding all the hate being directed at football clubs. It is not acceptable that only one club gets all the attention when other clubs perhaps deserve it more.

This media bias will not stand, man!

Fake Football News, Fake News, Football, My sense of Humour, Satire

Breaking News: Barcelona’s Sergio Busquets reveals being Bullied as a Child

In an emotional interview to a local TV channel, Sergio Busquets confessed that he was constantly bullied when he was a kid and that the bullying hadn’t stopped even to this day. Speaking a few hours after helping Barcelona secure passage to the semi finals of the UEFA champions league, Busquets appeared to be well in control of his interview until the host asked him for his thoughts on the criticism he gets for allegedly diving at the slightest contact.

Busquets throwing himself to the ground

Busquets’ immediate response was to go silent for a couple of minutes on live television. And when the host asked him the question again, Busquets simply broke down and cried in front of the cameras, much to the astonishment of the gathered audience. Eventually he composed himself and confessed in detail about how he was bullied since the time he was a small kid and how that had affected his life.

The only things people see are me diving and falling to the ground easily, and holding my face or some other part of my body in pain. What they don’t know is what makes me do all that.

You see, ever since I was a small kid, I have been bullied, beaten up and pushed around every single day. So much so, I had to come up with something creative to solve my problems. So when I was about 11 years old, as soon as I saw my classmates or anyone else coming near me, I began to automatically throw myself to the ground, start rolling all over the floor pretending to be in agonizing pain! I was essentially victimizing myself for others to see, with the hope that they would show some pity and go away feeling that they had achieved what they wanted without having put in much effort!

And thankfully for me, it worked! So every time I saw someone approach me, I made it a habit to simply throw myself to the ground, hold my face and scream out in agony! And they usually walked away, pitying me, and without bothering me much.

After watching me do this for a few years, my mentor told me that I could make a living out of doing that. In other words, he said that I could play football for Barcelona! He said he had been doing it for a while now and that there was room for more. His name is Dani Alves.

Dani Alves has been the single most influential figure in my life. He taught me how to make all the throwing-myself-to-the-ground act to actually amount to yellow and red cards for the opposing team and penalties for Barcelona. He really makes it look so easy! I am completely indebted to him for everything I have today. He has been the perfect role model for me!

But in all seriousness, every time I see an opposing team player come near me,  I get scared and I feel that the bullying is inevitably going to follow. THAT is why I throw myself on to the ground and pretend to be in so much pain. And if, as a consequence, it means that my team – Barcelona – get an advantage, so be it. I mean…did you see what happened today? The ball wasn’t even in play when I went to the ground. Puyol simply shouted that someone was behind me and I was so scared, that I automatically fell over! The rest, they say, is history!

Following this emotional confession from Sergio Busquets, the TV host went on to shake Busquets’ hand to offer him some comfort. But as soon as the host reached out his hand, Sergio Busquests did a back flip and threw himself to the ground clutching his ankle! It later turned out that Busquets had actually injured himself while doing the back flip.

Following this emotional interview, Pep Guardiola, the Barcelona head coach, admitted that he was aware of the situation with Busquets and that he had given Dani Alves full freedom to train and mould Busquets into becoming another Alves. He also shed light on why Busquets could never do the same at a different club.

Barcelona is in a very unique position to develop and nurture such talent. We have so many things going our way for us. For instance, we play the most attractive football in the world, we have the best player on the planet and we have the best youth system in our club. Not only that, we also sport UNICEF logos on our shirts. I am not sure what it is but I have been told it helps us to get a soft corner from UEFA officials.

So what this means is that we can hide Busquets’ style of play amidst this big facade of beautiful football and UNICEF logos. And we still get the officials to help us out every now and then! No other team can boast of  having the ability to do this! Players like Busquets and Alves would be red carded every single game they played for diving, if they played for any other team! But that will never happen in Barcelona!

But seriously….what IS this UNICEF and why is it on our shirts?

It remains to be seen who will be the next person to come through the ranks of Barcelona with the ability to get the opposition teams the most yellow cards.