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Breaking News: Kapil Sibal declares only Religious people have Right to feel Offended

In a bid to reinforce his image as the most clever minister in the ruling government (and as the official spokesperson for the Royal Family of India), Minister of Communications and Information Technology Kapil Sibal today came up with a new proposal which declared that only the religious people of the country have the right to feel offended. In a hurriedly called press conference, the minister read from his statement:

After ‘holding talks’ with the religious ‘heads and authorities’, we have come to a ‘consensus’ that only the religious people of this country will henceforth have the right to feel offended. Religious sentiments are something everyone should respect and nobody should offend. We just decided to take it a step further and draw the line there. So, conversely speaking, one cannot claim to be offended unless they are religious and their religious sentiments are involved.

Kapil Sibal talking to news reporters

Mr. Sibal clarified that he would be tabling this bill in the parliament in the next session and expected it to pass through with absolutely no objection.

We can expect for the first time this session, the opposition NOT to bring the proceedings to a halt. This is such a populist and secular bill that nobody will even dare to raise their voice against it! This will become a law by New Year!

The reporters were buzzing with questions and trying to make themselves heard. One eventually asked, “How is it fair to leave out non-believers and non-religious people out of their right to feel offended? Isn’t this blatant discrimination?”

To this, Mr. Sibal was quick to respond:

Well, I asked this question to all the religious heads and authorities too. And they pointed out that while religious people believe in something, irrespective of which God it is, non-religious people do not believe in anything at all! And so if they don’t believe in anything in the first place, then why would they ever feel offended at all? It seemed to make perfect sense to me. So I just agreed with them!

“But atheists and non-believers do believe in reason and this little thing called common f***ing sense! What are they supposed to do when religious people repeatedly say that the atheists are the most ignorant people on this planet? Not feel offended?”, yelled out one reporter.

Mr. Sibal seemed to consider this question with some weight. After a long pause, he replied enthusiastically,

That is the most intelligent question I have ever been asked! And the answer is in your question itself! Well, if you are a reasonable person with common sense, then only you are capable of understanding that other people – i.e the believers and religious people – need to have their right to freedom of speech and expression, right? And so since you can understand this, you are reasonable enough NOT to get upset about it!

On the other hand, have you ever tried reasoning with a religious person about different viewpoints? I mean, seriously, when has a religious person ever NOT gotten upset or angry or offended over ANYTHING you might have said that was contrary to his beliefs? I am sure that right now, at this moment, all of them want to smash my head to pieces because of what I just said – thus proving my very point!

So you see, the atheists and the non-believers are the only group of people who are even capable of not getting offended when others express different views. So if you are a reasonable person, you will NOT get offended if you are called the most ignorant person on this planet!

Of course, what this means is that you cannot ask the religious people to compromise on this and so it had to be the non-religious people!

There seemed to be a murmur of assent and agreement over what Mr. Sibal had just said. Even Mr. Sibal himself seemed to be in a state of sudden enlightenment trying to come to terms with what he had just said. After a brief pause, a reporter asked him, “So how do you intend to deal with the wide variety of cases that people usually tend to feel offended about?”

Kapil Sibal seemed to already have an answer ready for this:

Well, that is an easy question to answer. You see, the trick is to eventually attribute  whatever is being said to be offensive to religion. Take for example, girls wearing skirts. Many find it ‘morally’ and ‘culturally’ offensive. But then once they say that their moral values and culture is derived from religion, they have a case and can now go ahead and feel legally offended! In fact, all those people claiming to be the ‘moral’ police will now be rechristened as ‘religiously-easily-offended’ police!

And when it comes to more indirect cases of feeling offended, well, just use your brains I suppose! Just find a way to relate whatever offended you to religion and Booyah! You can legally feel offended and pursue the person offending you in court! Of course, the Govt is going to use this ploy to prosecute anyone and everyone who has anything bad to say about the Royal family of India. We will always find a way to make it a religious thing! Have you seen Glenn Beck? Have you seen his ability to relate ANYTHING on this planet to the Nazis? That man has a talent! We will even go the extent of hiring him to exploit this law!

For the last question of the press conference, a journalist from an unknown newspaper stood up to ask, “So what about all the people who claim to be spiritual but NOT religious? Do  they fall under the same category?”

Mr. Sibal appeared to get suddenly excited about the question.

Woah! These people are even more difficult to manage! Not only do they get offended with what is said, they also then double their efforts to force their beliefs upon you! They apparently believe that they have a spiritual obligation to save us all from the ignorant path we have taken! You really do not want to piss off those people for sure! So yes, they do come under this law. Thanks for asking this!

Later in the day Superstar Rajnikanth was asked what he would do if someone offended him. He replied,

Nobody has the balls.

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Alcohol, My sense of Humour, Religion, Serious Writing, The things that happen only to ME..., Thoughts, Updates

Updates: Abiding…

“….or how I embraced Dudeism, unwound myself and became happy..”

Yeah. So I have now officially converted my religion to Dudeism. This merits a complete post to itself containing all my fundamental realizations and changes and thats what I aim to do now. Let me first state that I have never found more peace, contentment and happiness in whatever I may have been practicing so far. I have gone through different stages of believing and non-believing in my lifetime. From an ignorant kid ready to believe whatever my parents told me to an outright rebel atheist in high school to a gradual transformation back to belief eventually leading to 3 years of total cult-like worship and practice of ‘authentic spirituality’, saved only by the 80 page John Galt speech in Atlas Shrugged to become a skeptical believer and then finally to completely understand the inherent atheistic nature of this world and man’s own need for a God. Through all this, I never felt that satisfaction or happiness in being at peace with the world even once. I tried in all places, tried to convince myself that I was already happy, performed many diverse activities, looked for meaning in every school of thought I ever came across- but all to no avail.

Now, I just say, “Ah! Fuck it!” and get on with my life.

 

The Dude Abides

As the Dudeism website says:

Life is short and complicated and nobody knows what to do about it. So don’t do anything about it. Just take it easy, man. Stop worrying so much whether you’ll make it into the finals. Kick back with some friends and some oat soda and whether you roll strikes or gutters, do your best to be true to yourself and others – that is to say, abide.

There is more truth in that quote than what appears. There are simply so many schools of thought on this planet and all of them are equally convinced their explanation of the world is the correct one and all others can, NO make that NEED TO, eat shit. Earlier I used to sharply defend whatever I believed in at that time while painstakingly point out the flaws in their line of thinking.

Now, I just say, “Ah! Fuck it!” and get on with my life.

In all seriousness, life is indeed short. It is almost a crime to spend even the smallest amount of time worrying about which God is the authentic one while rendering the other Gods unauthentic by default. And as I learnt it the hard way some time back, you never know if you are going to wake up from your sleep tomorrow. So as it is said in my mother tongue Kannada..

CHILL MAGA….

So what does this mean apart from me deciding not to give a fuck about religion and everything associated with it? For one, I feel different. I spent a lot of time thinking about WHY I was feeling so different. Eventually I realized something very fundamental.

All my life, everytime I met somebody new, the first thing I did was to pass some judgment upon them and/or frame some kind of an opinion. As one of my ex-roomies put it,

Everyone’s a dick until proven otherwise.

Damn! Think of it. Thats pretty much how most of us look at others. Simply put, we look at everyone as a dick until they prove otherwise to us. Thats how fucked up we are. Well at least thats how fucked up I was. And thats really sad. And then the difference I was noticing in myself became evident.

I had simply stopped judging people. Suddenly every single person around me looked as a potential good friend to me. This could never have happened earlier. Earlier, I used to judge people on so many parameters and so easily conclude that one person is worth talking to while another isn’t. These ‘parameters’ used to include things such as taste in music, books, movies, sports, activities, age, views on religion, views on alcohol and drugs, liberal/conservative, food preference, where they studied and their level of ambition..You name it!

Now, I just say, “Hey man! Whats up?!?” and get on with the conversation.

And this has helped me make so many new friends here in a place which has been tried, tested and certified by many Indians to be the “…best place to start and raise families.” Point being I was finding it extremely difficult to make new friends of my age who I can talk freely to and get drunk with. And now I have an awesome group of friends around my age and I still get drunk with people a lot older than me.

The idea of judging is not restricted to just people. Even other things like music, books, movies and the like are not spared of our judgments. There is this issue of ‘taste’ and then there is this issue of ‘elitism’. I just dont get it. I was actually feeling ashamed and embarrassed that I liked some music, book or a movie when it was being considered as too ‘popular’, ‘cheesy’ or that it simply did not qualify for being explored because it was associated with somebody who didn’t make the cut.

Now, I just say, “Ah! Fuck it!” and go ahead to see what the book, music or movie is all about.

There is a word I recently came across. UPTIGHT. Go look it up. Dudeism simply helped me NOT to be that. It is so damn easy to just stay in your comfort zone and not explore whats out there. Again, life is indeed to short. You need to go out, see places and do things. And its not gonna happen if you are just too damn uptight! I was so damn uptight before, not willing to let go of some routines and lines of thinking. Now I realize I have only been imposing rules on myself- with no tangible reward.

For instance, my Saturdays and Sunday mornings were mandatorily filled with Premier League, Serie A and La Liga matches. Then one day I just said, “Ah! Fuck it!” and I found myself in Minneapolis eating an Octopus and feeling the cold air pierce my eyes while I was sliding down a snow slope in a tube at breakneck speed!

And I was like “FUCK YEAH!!”.

Simply put, I was just too damn uptight in my thinking. I needed to stop passing judgments on people and things. I needed to accept and acknowledge whatever I was feeling irrespective of how others viewed it. I feel some way about something? Well…Fuck it! I feel that way about that thing! End of story. I am not going to apologize for who I am and what I feel.

Dudeism has helped me get so damn relaxed and at peace with the world now. I don’t remember the last time I got upset about something. And knowing how I was before, that means I have come a long way.

And I am Happy…..