How NOT to pay a tribute to Michael Jackson

This post is my tribute to Michael Jackson and in this, I shall describe in full detail exactly how NOT to pay a tribute. This post is essentially a response to an editorial piece that appeared in The New Indian Express the day after MJ’s death which can be found here. The piece was written by the Editor-in-chief Mr. Aditya Sinha himself and is titled “POP GOES THE KING.” I would suggest the reader to first read the editorial piece and then read my response to that.

First, let us set the context right. This editorial appears the day after the entire world is shocked to learn about MJ’s death. I for one, having been a long time admirer of his works, was particularly disappointed. The entire world flooded the internet with messages paying tribute to the king of pop. Practically every news channel was running the same story. Now this being the case, I open the editorial the next day and I found an article titled “Pop goes the King” which essentially described why One person (Mr. Sinha) considered Michael Jackson as someone “who lacked dignity at his core.”

The article can very easily be classified as the point of view of one single individual as most of the comments that he has made inevitably involve “I never really liked…”, “My objection to…”, “I could not understand…”, “I was ready to believe….”, “I almost feel sorry for….” etc.  In fact the article itself begins with “I never really liked Michael Jackson…”. The article thus begins with such a self-centered approach and the same tone is carried on throughout without giving the slightest explanation as to why the writer’s personal preference and opinion should necessarily constitute the real image of the person in question. There is absolutely no basis provided for any of the conclusions that are drawn apart from the writer’s own preferences and very clearly biased points of view. Let me elaborate with some quotes.

In the very beginning, Mr. Sinha states “My objection to Michael Jackson’s songs was that they were too stupid for me and appealed to the lowest common denominator.” Apart from the very obvious reference to HIS OWN tastes, it should be noted that he terms that MJ’s songs were “too stupid”  for him. Not caring to elaborate on what exactly constituted the “stupid” part in all of the celebrated Michael Jackson catalog, he goes on to state that the songs appealed to the “Lowest common Denominator.” And in the next sentence he goes on to state who or what he considered as the Lowest Common Denominator. He says “After all, which college intellectual wants to share his musical tastes with grandmothers and 13-year-old girls?” Now apart from the very obvious point that so many high profile people in various capacities around the world are big fans of MJ, I am curious about one thing. If it can be considered that, say, Pink Floyd songs are not stupid (if you disagree, kindly leave this blog), and assuming that Mr. Sinha likes Pink Floyd (or if it is Kishore Kumar, feel free to substitute), then on what basis can he say that there is no 13 year old girl or grandmothers who listen to them? Because, as he himself has put it, he wouldn’t want to share his musical taste with them. I sense a generous dose of hypocrisy in here. He goes on to rationalize his way of thinking by quoting what Socrates might have said “If something was popular then it probably wasn’t good.” At this point, I would like to state that one has to understand that there is a difference between something being “popular” and something being “contemporary”. Michael Jackson was (and will always remain) popular, but he was in no way contemporary.

Other aspects dealt with in the article include his plastic surgery from black to white. And in response to this, Mr. Sinha starts “Perhaps he felt shame in being black…” Again, without making any effort in providing any information/incident that might form the basis for this personal opinion, a statement suggesting Jackson suffering from shame about his color is made. His new appearance is then broken apart and criticised for each part in the following lines and is compared to The Joker from Batman comics. But the real striking remark is made in the next line when he says : “It is arguable whether he looked HUMAN.” Criticising a person’s look is one thing. Calling for a debate whether he looked human or not is something totally different. I am not even going to respond to this horrifying and baseless personal opinion. But alas, the criticisms don’t stop there. Further personal opinion is doled out with his change in looks being termed “..a pathological attempt at self-improvement” and he then contrasts Jackson’s “self disgust” (again, this is the writer’s own inference) to America electing an African American for President. He then suddenly, out of nowhere and having offered no reason, states that “Michael Jackson really had lost touch with reality.”

And while dealing with MJ’s child molestation case, Mr. Sinha says, “.. by the time that news of Michael Jackson’s troubles with little boys came, I was ready to believe the worst about him.” Somehow I am not surprised at all. But what really put me off, was the suggestion that MJ got acquitted just because “nothing could be proved against him” and the comparison of MJ’s trial to that of the infamous OJ Simpson case when it is written “..or perhaps, like O J Simpson (who killed his wife and her lover but was acquitted), he had a sympathetic jury.” This particular paragraph, I have to say, contains as much suggestion and speculation as it lacks solid facts. He further makes an inference, again based solely on what it all meant personally to him, as to how MJ could have possibly committed the crimes by stating : “the fact that he tried to change his skin colour meant to me that he lacked dignity at his core, and if he lacked that, then anything was possible.”

The main reason why I sat down to take the pains to write this long post was not just because I have always been a die-hard MJ fan. But it is mainly because of the way in which a complete editorial was dedicated to air the opinion of one man about how his preferences and opinions went against popular belief. I do understand that Mr. Sinha is a highly qualified individual who holds an extremely high post in the Indian print media. I also recognize his right to personal opinion, and being in that high position, I also recognize his authority to write an editorial to his liking. My objections to this editorial are not as much about the content of the article, as it is about it’s timing. There is always a place and time to air certain views about certain people. And writing an article such as this when the whole world is mourning the death of a star who defined a generation is definitely incongruous and wrongly timed. If anything, it is only demeaning to all the millions of fans around the world.

I now wonder. The author of the article has made comments terming Michael Jackson as a person who “lacked dignity” offering no basis whatsoever apart from his own personal opinion. And this statement is made the very next day  after Michael Jackson passed away, in the editorial of a leading national daily in India. Something doesn’t seem right. Something seems out of place. Come to think of it, I now wonder as to who it is exactly that “lacks dignity”.

Thank you M S Dhoni….

Oh man! Even before I write anything, I know this is going to be my most satisfying post ever! The way I have got it all planned out to belt the shit out of something I detest so passionately has got me licking my lips! Ah! I can almost taste the bliss! So here goes….

Yesterday, at around 9 PM, my dad came home from work and thanks to the extra-ordinarily large number of banal choices available to watch on TV, my dad chose the most banal one-NEWS. He started shifting through a few news channels, suddenly getting confused whether he was hearing echoes or just some daily repetitive news. After he realized that it didn’t really make any difference (hehe….or so he thought!), he finally settled on this particular Indian news channel that has a close relationship to a certain Print media product which I particularly detest with all my heart and soul. (Oh common! Don’t we all???) The newsreader dude was looking like he had come fully prepared to tell the entire country some earth shattering news that was supposed to leave everyone spellbound! Or in other words, this dude just looked PLAIN STONED! Stoned not as in

Stoned Indian Kid (Courtesy Vishal Patel)

but as in

Truly Stoned (Courtesy Arctic Monkeys)

But the STONED part shouldn’t really matter now should it?

Then suddenly there is this one moment when you know Stoned News Reader is going to shift to “DRAMATIZE” gear. And thus began the tantrums…about how MSD “lost his cool” and how Viru should have been “more transparent” about his injury and how, eventually (and inevitably I may add) the BCCI is to be blamed for all of this! Stoned (and Excited…Woah! Now how is that going to look like?) News Reader was doing his best to make the (lack of ) news sound so important and necessary for all the public to know about why a Professional Cricket player playing all year round all over the world should get injured. Ok. Didn’t they realize that the answer is in the question itself? Oh I am sorry. I forgot Stoned Newsreader has an IQ less than Doley (which further implies that his IQ is lesser than that of Timmy too!).  My Bad. And so we hear Stoned Newsreader stressing (literally) and pausing (literally) at practically every syllable of every word in a practiced  and moronic attempt to let the news sink in the minds of the news watcher. And the poor newswatchers! I mean common… For a majority of them,  at the end of the day, all they need for a Delta increment in Self Esteem is to be part of a world where “important” stuff seems to be happening around them-”important” being defined by  Stoned Newsreaders Inc.!

And so as the diatribes built up, Stoned Newsreader decided it was time to take the opinion of “experts” in this matter. Here “experts” take the meaning of 3 Guest Speculators who actually make a living out of Guest Speculating. Usually these Guest Speculators are out of favor/out of talent/retired or simply forgotten cricketers. But these 3 didn’t fall under any of the above 4 categories. Instead they fell under the Professional Guest Speculator category wherein one’s main profession is to Guest Speculate on TV shows such as the one I was watching. All Professional Guest Speculators usually adhere to a script, prepared much in advance by Stoned Newsreaders Inc. And so the “discussion” went on without a hitch, with all 3 GSs strictly adhering to the script by denouncing every possible thing and person related to Indian Cricket- including Indian Cricket itself! All this while Stoned Newsreader’s face bore the Stoned & Successful expression and continued to stick to his own script as the Guest Speculators stuck to theirs. There was even a still picture on the screen which showed a prominent Red Rectangular Box on Sehwag’s pic identifying that part of the body to be a shoulder. Beside that there was a fully labelled picture of a human shoulder and its various parts! The pictures seemed to be  serving their sole purpose of helping the Stoned NewsReaders Inc to know what their script deals with.  And so everything was going on fine. But then suddenly, out of nowhere and with no warning, GS3 decided to deviate from the script and began to talk sense! And so you could here GS3 make statements like “One cannot blame MSD for his actions. It was the media that provoked him. The media should have acted more maturely by not blowing this whole thing out of proportion. His reaction is completely justified!!” Stoned Newsreader suddenly found himself in this extremely rare situation of being in front of a camera on National News Channel WITHOUT a script! He panicked and just began to shake his head in total disbelief, trying to interrupt GS3 hoping to remind him to just stick to his script and not make irrelevant statements. But alas, much to the embarrassment of Stoned Newsreader and Stoned Newsreaders Inc., GS3 continued his tirade against the media for irresponsible handling of the affairs! So much so, Stoned Newsreader almost woke up from his stoned state with a “WTF am I doing in front of a National News Channel camera when I could be  more stoned at home?” expression on his face and so he continued to shake his head-this time in complete resignation. But then suddenly, he underwent a spike in the activity (and UNstoned) part of his brain and quickly wound up the “discussion” and thanked the Guest Speculators for sticking to their scripts-well mostly. My guess is that fellow members of  Stoned Newsreaders Inc. realized that he was not so high and so infused some invisible Marijuana smoke or Meth Vapors through strategically placed smoke inlets in order to give him the temporary power to wind up the  discussion which was threatening to go out of control. Then they immediately went into a break-during which time Not-so-Stoned Newsreader had a couple of joints so that he can turn back to Stoned Newsreader and also so that he doesn’t feel the pain of his job. (Hey don’t these shit scavengers and funeral procession dudes also get high just before their job? Hmm….I am sensing a pattern here..)

And as if that wasn’t enough, the print sister of the news channel decided to go on a rampage of their own, what with they getting extra rights for having started this whole rumor in the first place!! So you had articles titled “Dhoni giving Viru a Cold Shoulder?” and “Dhoni and Sehwag at Loggerheads??” or some In House Senior Dude Blog Speculator making retarded statements like “Dhoni’s Men in Blue are not in pink of health”. But what is even more incredible is the way the content is presented. Sample these:

“… reports about simmering tensions between Indian captain MS Dhoni and vice-captain Virender Sehwag are fast threatening to undermine India’s defence of the ICC World Twenty20″

“Rumour mills are abuzz that the two had an ugly faceoff during a team meeting”  –Excuse me… Doesnt RUMOR MILLS==MEDIA REPORTS==THE MORON WHO WROTE THIS ‘NEWS’ ARTICLE???

“Who is leaking the information about team fitness?” -some moron journo asks MSD.  — WTF? I mean if MSD knew who was leaking the info, would there have been any leaked info in the first place?

“MSD gave cryptic answers to questions about his awareness of Viru’s injury like “Yes I am”!” —-WTF? In all my experience of Cryptic and Direct Crosswords, I am pretty much sure there is nothing more DIRECT than a “Yes I am” as a reply to ” Are you aware of the injury?”

“The sudden announcement that Virender Sehwag is returning home due to a shoulder injury and skipper MS Dhoni’s  somewhat strange conduct at a press conference on Tuesday has generated strong speculation that the two players are at loggerheads.” — I mean common! With Professional Speculating replacing Journalism, these comments are bound to happen right??

Now this newspaper quoted Ravi Shastri as saying “It will be a miracle if India win this T20 World Cup” and then after Shastri clarified that he never said anything like that, the same newspaper puts up an article which says “Knowing how fiercely patriotic Shastri is, one could sense there was something wrong….His quotes make no mention of an miracle. Some people do have imagination!” —-Now correct me if I am wrong, but didnt the Newspaper mock itself???

And then as a spin-off in a related website, a discussion starts with the title “Is Dhoni becoming arrogant?” when the real discussion should have been “Should Guest Speculating be banned?” or “Should Stoned Newsreaders Inc. be banned as a terrorist organization?”

But what really got me laughing was a certain comment to the Blog retardedly titled “Dhoni’s Men in Blue are not in pink of health”. The article went on to portray every player in the Indian side to either be out of form or unfit to play in the T20 World Cup. Check out the following reply to that post:

“After reading this article…I’m wondering if India should be playing at all? We should leave the author and his merrymen (Read Stoned Newsreaders Inc)  to carry the Indian flag – by the sounds of this article, they are the only fit 11 left.”

I would rather read FakeIPLplayer for more entertainment!

I am afraid I cannot give a link to that article or for that matter take up any names at all due to the fear of being sued. What with reading about a certain TV News Channel female journo, who specializes in Over-Dramatizations, suing an innocent blogger for his criticisms in the way she handled the 26/11 attacks. And also that time when a certain Indian Institute of Something and Something, which continues to occupy more space in newspapers than Manmohan Singh himself, suing another Blogger dude for stating some facts. And some other related nonsense.. And so I have not revealed any names. But that shouldn’t really matter now should it? All of you know exactly which newspaper and which News Channel I am referring to.

*** Sucks!!!

PS: By the way, the title of the post, thanking MSD is largely for inspiring me enough to get back to blogging after a brief hiatus. Thank you Mahendra Singh Dhoni and Good Luck.

The sudden announcement that Virender Sehwag is returning home due to a shoulder injury and skipper MS Dhoni’s

somewhat strange conduct at a press conference on Tuesday has generated strong speculation that the two players are at loggerheads.

The DOLEY Chronicles

Ok. This was inevitable. I just had to do it. This post is dedicated to one of the strangest and most weird character I have ever come across in my life. All fellow NITKians know him and would have surely interacted with him at some point of time or another. I am of course talking about the one and only Rajmohan Doley. I am writing this post without the slightest idea of the state (or absence) of his existence. But nevertheless, his was such a character that it warranted a post exclusively to delve into the depths of it.

I don’t exactly recollect when I saw him first in the hostel. Of what I do recollect, the first impression I got after seeing him was that he was well built and possessed a unique walking style.  And after you had heard him speak for like 10 seconds, you are likely to convince yourself that Timmy has a higher IQ. Throughout the 4 years, I think it would be safe to assume that he was the guy who spent the highest time in the library, but to hardly any effect! He was living in the same floor as I was and quickly became famous as the guy from Arunachal Pradesh (I think) who believed continuous exercising was the only way to improve his body (including the part in his brain). Now when I say exercising, I just don’t mean the gym going types. I am talking about a total exercise and body building freak here. One of my first encounters with this guy took place in the 1st year during the exams.

Without having the slightest idea what was in store for me, I coolly barged into my friend’s room with the sole intention to check on his (lack of) progress in his preparation. But the sight that met me when I opened his door and entered his room was not something I had even imagined possible. Because what I saw, was Doley in the room wearing only his trademark extra-short bermuda (which was so short, I suspect it also served as his underwear), oiling himself over his entire body (think ENTIRE) and then bending over to face the small mirror on the table and watching himself as he flexed his muscles in a true body building fashion. But what scared me more was when he turned to see me and said “Hi Akshay!” in his characteristic deep and piercing accent! And ten seconds later, I was back in my room trying to convince myself that nothing else had happened! Now, looking back, I really pity my friend who was in that room with Doley, trying to study with this dude oiling himself all over his body!

Since then, everytime I happened to pass within 50 feet of him, I was victimized by means of him greeting me “Hi Akshay!” in that same deep and piercing accent filled with god-knows-what intention. Soon that “Hi Akshay!” apparently was not enough for him and so everytime he saw me, he would begin to sing that horrible Akshay Kumar song ” Mein hoon seedhi saadhi Akshay Akshay!” and that got me so f***in scared at times because of the way he sang it! It was as if he was trying to communicate something to me!! And then in the second year, just when I hoped that he would end up in a different hostel, I got to know that he would be instead rooming 2 rooms to the left of mine! And thus it was in the second year, that I had some of the most harrowing experiences that I shall describe here.

Anybody who stayed in the Left wing of 3rd Hostel Block during the 2005-2006 year will definitely recollect the sudden onslaught of Murder songs blaring 24/7 from Room No. 17 and which also had this glaringly low audio quality! It just kept f***in playing on and on and just refused to stop! And none of us were sane enough to actually go and confront the guy playing those songs simply because the guy was Doley. And then my roommate gathered his guts and lack of sense to go and talk to Doley to either stop playing that f***ed up Murder songs, or to atleast reduce the volume. Well, the only thing that my room mate got for visiting his room was a big lecture on why music is good for human health and some other irrelevant gibberish! But he gathered one useful piece of information that explained the pronounced low audio quality of those murder songs. Apparently, he saw the actual “instrument” that was used to play those songs. Here is how he explained it to me:

” Do you know these 5.1 speakers- those which have 5 speakers and 1 woofer? Well, Doley has a 1.0!!!!”

WTF???

I did later confirm it when I just had a peep into his room and saw the single cassette player with just the small in built speaker blaring “Bheege hont tere….”

There was also another dimension to his unique character and that was his blatant (lack of ) hygiene. He continued to wear those same underwear-cum-shorts for all his activities (again, think ALL). Many of the days, there was no water in the bathrooms or toilets apart from the emergency tap (better known as Magic Tap). The usual practice was to get the maximum amount of water in your bucket, go to the toilet, finish your daily chores and get out. And one day again, completely oblivious to what I would be witnessing, I went to the bathrooms, standing in front of the mirror lined up above the long sink and began to brush. There was no water so I had filled my bucket with water enough for my brushing from the magic tap. And then as I was brushing, Doley pops up with his “Hi Akshay!”. I just smile weakly and continue brushing. He is still wearing the same stuff and only that. He takes his mug and fills water with it and goes to the toilet and locks the door. I try not to think of the size of the mug and continued brushing. Some time later, Doley emerges from the toilet and goes straight to the magic tap with his now empty mug and fills it and then goes back!!!!!!! WTF??????WTF????? I got so freaked out that I just ran!

And to now realize that some 40 0f us including me shared the bathrooms with him gets me the shivers!

But the most harrowing experience was yet to come. And if you were in NITK and I knew you well, I would have probably told you about it! But let me recollect it here for the benefit of the less fortunate.

I was sleeping when the power went off. I woke up out of instinct and checked the time on my mobile. It was around 4 in the morning. I looked around and it was pitch dark. Nothing, absolutely nothing was visible. I just lay on my bed, awake thinking of nothing in particular when suddenly the door of the room slams open and a voice reminiscent of a Tantrik, boldly starts chanting “OM NAMAH SHIVAYA! OM NAMAH SHIVAYA!!”

WTF??? I mean seriously WTF???!!!???

I was startled with the complete suddenness of the whole thing! I could faintly see a figure moving around in the room and THAT got me freaked out! I began to get all weird thoughts of whatever was happening then. Was it actually a Tantrik? Or was it some stranger who had lost his mind? I had no f***in clue what the f*** was happening! “Who is it?” I shouted. And then the familiar  voice of Doley responded,”Oh this is not Room 17?? Which room is this?” I told him which room it was and then he said,”Oh sorry sorry ok…” and then started making some noise which I supposed was some kind of expression of humor but which sounded more like some freaky warning signal! And as soon as he left, I just ran and bolted the damn door! I couldnt sleep after that and stayed awake in the dark. And after that, there was not a single day that I slept with my door unlocked!!

I am telling you that incident got me real freaked out for the rest of the second year! I soon developed some kind of phobia towards him that just refused to go away. He shifted to a different hostel block for the 3rd and Final Years and I hardly had an encounter that lasted longer than a “Hi Akshay!” and I was happy about it. But everytime I saw him, I really tried my best to avoid him and go somewhere else if I could.

I really have no idea where he is now or if he is still there! I am pretty much sure he still exists somewhere and that if, god forbid, I am to meet him ever again in my life, I am sure I will still be greeted with another piercing and deep “Hi Akshay!”

My Last 24 Hours @ NITK

This post is exactly 1 year late but I guess I deliberately waited for this day (or maybe I was just plain lazy).  Here I will be recollecting whatever I can of the last 24 hours of my life in NITK before I left it for good.  I left NITK on a bus at 9:30PM on April 24th 2008. And so my recollection starts at around 9:30PM on 23 April 2008.Aft

After the last Cricket match (titled the Aneesh Ghoshta and Sadanand Memorial Cricket Match) in the evening and subsequent bathing and dining, me, Sadanand, Logik, Hiran and Suhas decide to have one last TEA at the Nestle Maggi Center which was such an integral part in our first year. After ending up spending 100 bucks for “TEA” with some unexpected company, Hiran hit upon the idea of revisiting all the rooms that we stayed in the previous years. And so we began our “trip down memory lane” from 2nd Block where we first roomed (Room No. 16) to 3rd Block for my 2nd Year (Room No.19) and then to 4th Block for my 3rd Year (Room No.3). We all tried to recollect each and every one of our neighbours in the entire wing and it was also heartening to see my old room(19) still proudly displaying all my writings on the door and wardrobe. It was really a trip down memory lane.

I was done with drinking alcohol the previous night (for a full detailed description, see Post BTech High Series) and was just downloading from DC++ when Gayru and Choukkar turned up out of nowhere-with a bottle of Old Monk Rum in their hands. And so while we chatted for some time, they forced me to gulp down some of the Old Monk rum saying that THIS was the last night that I would be staying and so I had to do it. I did gulp down a bit. I remember playing “Another Harry’s Bar” by Jethro Tull while they were there and appreciating the relevance of its lyrics. Soon after they left, I realized that I couldn’t really waste my last night at NITK by sleeping.

And so I stayed awake the entire night-downloading stuff from DC++ and writing it on my DVDs. I ended up with about 60 DVDs of stuff by the time I was done. Bo and Bloodshot were the main sources of the downloads-both of them having been awake till late in the morning. And at around 5 in the morning, Vig, P and me went to Thadambail to have the early morning hot buns for the last time. It was as blissfully tasty as ever and I also learnt how Riise had scored an own goal in the dying seconds of the Chelsea-Liverpool Semi FInal FIrst leg of the UEFA Champions League that had got over a few hours back. We parted ways at around 6 and I left my computer for the final downloading session and went to sleep.

Got up at around 8 and began packing immediately. Perhaps the biggest disappointment was the fact that my computer-one of the biggest aspects of the 4 years- met a rather unceremonious end when I had to shut it down when the power went off. Too bad..coz I had planned on a final playlist that I would be playing before I would pack it. Well, that was not to be. But what was sure was most of my day being spent in packing and sending it through the courier. By late afternoon, I was more or less done with the packing and thought of meeting all the profs once before I left. But unfortunately none were to be found. But I did meet someone special on my way back to the hostel after just missing out on saying Goodbye to Gokul.

I did meet some interesting people for the last time. The 1st and 2nd Block cleaner-the guy who goes by the name of Darwin- was the recipient of a cool 50 bucks from my side for having been of immense help many a time during all the 4 years. I wanted to meet the mess workers of Mysore Mess 1 and say goodbye to them, but unfortunately I was really running short of time. So much so, I refused an invitation to accompany Sad and Hiran to the beach. Went around hunting for people to sign the yearbook but was disappointed by learning that many of my classmates had already left.  So I came back to my room and wound up my packing.

Then I just sat there in my room, taking a long last look at my room. There wasnt much to really look at. But it was still everything that I had. I put on my shoes and tossed my backpack around. Kept all my bags outside slowly and took the lock in my hands. Went out of the room and stood facing it. Hesitated for a moment and then I just shut the door and locked it for the last time. And that was it- Room 11, 8th Block, NITK. I went down the corridor and took one last look back and then went on to Pai’s room where I stayed for some more time. Pai offered me a ride to Reddy’s where my bus would come. But I declined it for I didn’t want to miss the last campus walk. Royan accompanied me to the bus stop where a sizeable crowd had already gathered to say goodbye. I for one, went around saying bye to people and enquiring what they were planning to do next. Then finally as my bus came, I realized that practically everyone I would have wanted to see then were around me. Royan, Shodi, P, Pai were all there. Sad and Hiran finally did turn up after their long visit to the beach.Even Logik turned up just before the bus left. I never could really part with Royan-what with me owing him so much for introducing me to alcohol- and so just told him that we dont part and that we would meet again. (I still haven’t met him after that). And so as I waited in the bus for it to leave, I began to think if I was going to actually get so sentimental that I would begin to cry. It didn’t take me long to answer that question. As the bus started and sped past the college campus, I just simply broke down. And the only thing I could think of was to open my bag and wear my NITK ring……

PS: I am writing this post sitting in the same hostel that I spent my final year in. Had come to meet all my teachers and having acheived that, spent my time well here with some alcohol and quite a bit of stuff as well. All thanks to my juniors who were still in the hostel when everyone else had vacated for the holidays.

India in Slow Motion by Mark Tully: A Book Review

India in Slow Motion

It is not so often that one comes across a book that reinforces the potential of presenting facts and situations to capture the interest of a reader in a way that the book becomes both educative and a page turner. INDIA IN SLOW MOTION by Mark Tully does just that. With his immaculately diverse  set of ten typically Indian  real life stories, he has successfully brought about the fundamental flaws in the system that is governing this country. I first interacted with Mark Tully at IIT Bombay during their fest and was impressed by his knowledge and observations. And after reading India in Slow Motion, my respect and admiration for him has grown ten fold.

Most of the book is not as much about exposing the familiar problems plaguing India, as it is about revealing the intricacies, significance and true extent of the same. Topics such as the Ayodhya issue, corruption, droughts, farmer suicides, Kashmir, the IT revolution are not unfamiliar. But the treatment that Tully has meted out to these topics inevitably makes us rethink our own estimation of the nature and significance of the problem. Be it the thrilling, detailed first hand account of the entire Tehelka sting operation which got the Defence Minister to resign, the true tale of Kashmir and why it is in its present state or a little known village in Gujarat that has declared independence from the rest of the country, Tully describes an India which exhibits  a common foundation running through all of them-the NETA-BABU Raj-which he finds to be the single most important factor why India is still a country in Slow Motion.

The book starts off by describing a small but largely representative incident in a remote village  in Madhya Pradesh, where a Cyber Cafe built by an NGO is being brought down on the orders issued by a bureaucrat of the region for not possessing a particular “Internet Service Provider License -II”. This incident is small because it never made to the papers and representative because it shows how the Indian bureaucracy is working to defeat it’s own purpose.  Other stories in the book  deal with many cultural and religious aspects including a first hand account of the Babri Masjid demolition and the subsequent efforts to build a Ram Temple in the same site along with detailed descriptions about the rise and present state of Christianity in Goa and also an informative chapter on Sufism and the stance taken by different Muslim leaders in India.

But the crux of the book lies in the revelation of a large number of small facts that goes a long way in choosing the correct frame of reference to look and judge this country’s state of affairs. A large many assumptions developed over years of exposure to the Indian media is convincingly set right by simply reflecting on these hard facts plaguing the country and of which, the majority of us are blissfully unaware. Sample this: In a chapter dealing solely with the farmer suicides in Karnataka, Tully describes the procedure for a farmer to obtain a low interest loan from a Nationalized Bank as per a Govt scheme. In the words of the Bank Manager:

“Before any farmer can ask for a loan, he has to produce, one-land records, two- records of rights, three-no dues from the government, four-records of all land revenue paid, five-land valuation certificates, six-no dues from agricultural societies, seven-permission from court if applicant is a minor and eighth(and here is the best part!)- NO DUES CERTIFICATES FROM ALL THE OTHER 9 BANKS IN THE AREA!!!!!!”

And to procure the no dues certificate from all the other banks, a farmer has to approach each and every bank individually and get a certificate from each of them!

Another equally glaring fact concerns the structure and the working of the Police force in India. Tully quotes directly from a report submitted by a Senior retired Police Officer who says:

“..the 1861 Act passed by the British Raj still governs the organization, structure, philosophyand working of our police forces at the end of the twentieth century, never mind the phenomenal changes in our social, political, scientific, economic, and cultural spheres over the decades. The pattern adopted by the 1861 Act was based on the Irish Constabulary because Ireland was a colony at that time.”

Another Senior Police Officer says:

“..for the bureaucracy, control over the police has become an intoxicant they are addicted to and are just not willing to give up. And so the act of 1861 continues to be on the statute book even after nearly one hunderd and forty years-a millstone round the police neck”

Here is another concerning the corruption in the Indian Military:

“An Arms dealer has to bribe a Major General around Rs. 10 lakhs just so the dealer can obtain the list of equipment that the Indian Army is looking to test and purchase!”

Simple but revealing facts like these are in abundance in the book largely due to Tully’s first hand investigation into every topic he has written about. One of the best chapters in the book, I found, was the one on corruption which included a detailed first hand account of the entire TEHELKA sting operation by the very man who performed the sting with the hidden camera! The thrilling encounters with the top politicians and military leaders coupled with the glaring and inexcusable stupidity on part of the Generals for believing everything makes the chapter both humorous and thought provoking. The chapter on the Farmer suicides in Karnataka during the drought on the turn of the millenium is also very well documented with facts revealing such a lack of basic common sense among the officials, that one feels there is no hope for the Indian farmer. Like a farmer says,”A farmer in India is born in debt, lives in debt, dies in debt and is reborn in debt!” Another truly memorable quote that perfectly epitomizes  the life of a farmer comes from a farmer who is asked why he is not investing in long term gains and stability by sending his children to school. He says: “Sir, we farmers are not concerned about what happens 10-15 years from now. All we care about is being able to live through today…everyday”

The stories in India in Slow Motion do little to portray India the way political campaigns (like India Shining) do. But at the same time, the stories do not aim to bring out the harsh realities prevailing in the country such as poverty. What it does aim, however, is to give first hand information on issues that every Indian is familiar with. Though a few stories form an exception  to the familiarity aspect, the underlying objective of giving the readers first hand information on the ground reality successfully weaves through these stories as well. Throughout the book, Tully never makes the slightest effort to force his opinion on the reader. In fact, his completely objective portrayal of ground reality obviates the need for the reader to frame an opinion about India’s prospects. And so, instead, his astute observations compel the reader to develop both the positive and negative outlooks about India.

Tully’s inferences always tend to tell a tale of a car trying to move forward with its brakes on. In spite of describing stories that show the blatant inefficiency  and flaws in the governance system, Tully still displays an optimism that stems from recent and not so recent history when India did make the effort to liberate the economy, thereby easing a little off the brakes on its path to development. But the question of how long or what it takes for these changes to come about, though raised, is left deliberately unanswered. This book is a must read before anyone decides to have a say about any aspect of the present state of affairs in India.

Chronicles of an NITK Convocation

This post is very easily over 2 months late in appearing, but nevertheless I was finally able to finish and post it.

It was simply put, the 3 best days I have had in a long long time. Exceeding all my expectations and fantasies, I returned from my convo with a big smile on my face. Here I recollect all my memories from those 3 days.

After much delay and speculation, my convo date was finally fixed on Jan 31 2009. The day I was supposed to be bestowed upon with a Bachelor of Technology degree for my 4 years of improvised laziness and unproductivity. But my plans  included a lot more than just that. Considering the fact that I had been practically sober for over 5 months, my priorities took shape around appropriate issues. I also had a list of things to do in college which I held close to me during my stay there. So, in decreasing order of priority and importance, here is the list of what all I intended to accomplish:

1. Get drunk.
2. Get drunk and then get sloshed.
3. Go for a midnight inebriated walk around the campus.
4. Then get drunk again.
5. Meet all my teachers.
6. Eat the early morning hot Buns at Thadambail.
7. Meet all other relevant people.
8. Eat at 3rd Block Night Canteen.
9. Visit the beach and eat the egg omlette at the nearby shack.
10. Download as much as possible from DC++.
11. And not to forget, I was also supposed to collect my degree!

So with these objectives in mind, I set out to my college in a train accompanied by dozens of fellow to-be-graduates. After getting duly blasted by the TC for being over zealous in disturbing co-passengers who were not to-be-graduates, I went to sleep. At around 9:30 AM, I found Sadanand and myself camping in the same junior’s room and I couldn’t help being reminded that we were room mates once again. The junior looked exactly like how anyone would look half an hour prior to committing suicide. But then, that aside, there were a lot of changes worth noticing in and around the campus. The Highway was in impeccable condition, the new hostel blocks were towering at 7 storeys and a few new buildings were already up and running. But alas! One thing had apparently remained the same, as if in defiance to all the changes happening around-there was still no god damn water in the hostel blocks!

And so, at around 11, I finally met my classmates and went to speak to my teachers. It felt really nice to go back to where it all began for me. Met both my Geotech teachers because of whom I have whatever identity I got right now and informed them of my first admit. Needless to say, they were pretty happy as well. Had lunch at the newly opened “Suraj International” thinking there would be alcohol as well, but alas, they didn’t serve drinks. And soon after, I found myself in Mangalore watching Luck By Chance at Bharath Mall and I have to say, the movie was good.  But the best part of the day was yet to come.

Tul was conducting a quiz (unfortunately under sober conditions) and though I didn’t take part in it, it was anyway an informal affair with a lot of nice questions. Practically the entire quizzing gang had turned up for the quiz and stuck together to get drunk at the one and only Garuda Bar as well. Choukkar, the alcoholic had apparently been sloshed the entire day but didn’t mind  remaining that way for much longer. And as far as I was concerned, I was getting drunk with fellow alcoholics after more than 7 months-and thats all I cared about. And I was duly joined by my room mate alcoholic Sadanand who had, in the meantime, gone to Mangalore on a mission of utmost importance and almost succeeded completely! In spite of his failure, he had still gone one up on my To-do list! And so as he joined the drinking party already drunk,  it became very evident that he was enjoying it! And to add to the shady atmosphere, some old melodious Kannada songs started blaring in the Bar speakers and sounded real awesome! After most of the gang had left, we decided to call it quits at around 12:30 in the night with Gayru who had come all the way from IIM Kolkata and it was nice catching up and belting our very own Karadi. Finally, we ended up in one of our Junior-Harish’s-room nice and high, with plans of watching a movie. Those plans drastically changed 2 minutes into the movie when Sadanand just crashed and went off to sleep. So soon, even I left to my camping room- the dude with the suicide on his face-and went off to sleep.

I woke up early next day, slightly disoriented, wondering for a few seconds where I was and what had happened the previous night. Then when it all came back to me, I got ready and realized I had to get myself registered for the convo. So I went with Sadanand and got registered at the SJA and also convinced him to have the famed Idly-Vada-Sambar breakfast with me at our very own Mysore Mess-I. He was of the opinion that the mess worker would chase us once he found out that we were not students anymore. But nothing like that happened.  A new mess worker gave us the eye but let us eat all the idlis we wanted. And they were still awesome! Free Breakfast!

And as for the convocation itself, all of us were present at the SJA half an hour before time and that was sufficient time to catch up with all of the 18 classmates who had turned up. A dress code of white formal shirts with ties and black trousers and black shoes was flouted by many including me. In due time, the entire senate entered the auditorium to an entrancing music. All the members of the senate were clothed in a strange attire fitting their designations and the whole thing looked more like we were getting inducted into some major cult rather than getting our degrees! And so after all the formalities got underway, the speeches started. And after the speeches ended, the degree giving began. First to all the MTechs and MCAs and then to the BTechs. My parents had come and were watching from the first floor. And I have to say this: The moment I collected my degree which made me a Graduate of Civil Engineering from NITK Surathkal, I felt absolved of all my guilt and regret of not having made it into an IIT and was more than just happy to have spent 4 of my most memorable years here in NITK.

By the time I went back to my room, it was 530 in the evening and Sadanand left to Mangalore with a more noble objective. And I found myself in the company of Logik, Con and a certain female entity who had suddenly lost significant weight-headed for the beach. On the way, I was able to tick off one more on my To-Do list when I ate the Egg Omlette at the Egg Shack near the Lighthouse. Then, after some confusion, I found myself on the beach, sitting on the rocks, talking and catching up on old times for a very long time. It was almost 9 in the night when we decided to go back to the campus. Somehow, I wish I could have stayed there on those rocks feeling the breeze and hearing the waves splash, for a much longer time.

On my way back, I met my HoD and he was really happy to see me. Having been extremely co-operative and helpful during my course, I was really happy to see him as well. After a brief chat with him, I parked myself in front of my Dept for some more chatting session. Shortly, my junior and drink buddy for the night,Harish,  turned up from Mangalore and we both went to do what we were meant to do-get totally drunk. Adrian joined us for our drinking session, as promised. I opened my Black Dog Scotch which I had been saving for over 6 months just for this moment and raised a toast to my Convo. Half an hour later, the bottle is empty and so I open the Tetrapack of DSP that I had bought in the last week of my stay in the hostel. I had saved this too for this date. And after that also got over, Adrian hit upon this very useful idea and next thing I know, I have about 180ml of William Grant’s exquisite Scotch with me in my bottle. With that, we escape out of the hostel and all the way to my Dept, where we camp to finish the extra quarter Scotch. Time passes by and none of us 3 are in touch with it. After the Scotch gets over, I pay my tribute to my Dept by leaving behind all traces of alcohol consumption at the steps leading in front of the Dept Building. All 3 of us, totally drunk by now, head to SAC and talk more nonsense. Logik joined us shortly thereafter. After some more idle chat, I call up Royan (the main reason I am an alcoholic) and talk to him for about half an hour during which time he tells me something he did that suddenly spiked my respect for him. (Hail Royan! Thou art in a diferent continent and at a different level altogether! I Bow to thee!!) And soon after, my conversation with Royan ended, largely due to the zero balance that Adrian’s phone began to claim. However, the night was still young, and I was still pretty high. Harish had crashed on the stage where some Shamiana had been put up. I fulfilled another of my long standing goals by performing “Aqualung” in SAC to a non-Zero crowd with my air guitar! I then joined Adrian in singing “Turn the Page” to the same crowd.

Me and Adrian : ” …Smoke the day’s last cigarette..remembering what she said…what she said”

Adrian (immediately): Here I am!! On the road again!!

Me: Hey wait man! I need to play the lead still! (I walk into the front and play the lead!)

After the song is over and I have played the outro as well, Adrian finds Harish sleeping on the stage and upsets the support used to tie the Shamiana in place and lo and behold! This dude, suddenly springs to life and jumps out of the stage in a flash expecting the entire thing to come down on him-which incidentally didn’t happen. Nevertheless, we found ourselves at 3rd Block Night Canteen treated as the last customers for the night and I end up having some Vada Pav.Now i wish I had also had the Lassi.

I dont recollect what time it was exactly, but it was pretty late in the night-almost early morning. We head to the rooms to get some cash to eat the early morning hot buns at Thadambail and when I went back to the room, I was in for a treat! Though not officially on my To-Do list for the convo, it was always there at the back of my mind. And to do the stuff in that state of mind, at that time with fellow like-minded people (some of whom had passed out during their marathon 6 hour long session) and with copious amounts of Mint flavored Hukka, it was a lot more than I could ask for! All thanks to the DASA guys, my Convo experience was complete and perfect!

I was then officially and properly stoned and went in that state to Thadambail to have the hot buns. Every piece of the Bun-Sambhar combo was like an experience of  a sudden spike in the bliss factor. And with my senses in an extra alert state, I savored each and every moment of it! By the time I came back, daylight was just cracking open in the sky. I bid good night(morning) to fellow drunkards and went to sleep. Now THAT is what I would call A LONG AND MEMORABLE NIGHT!

Having checked off practically everything on my TO-Do list for the convo by then,  I realized I was relatively free when I woke up and so spent the rest of the day in peace. Just went to Mangalore for a short trip to meet a friend and that apart, I spent most of my time in the room filling up my newly bought hard disk with everything I could possibly lay my hands on in DC++. In the end, I found I could only fill around 160GB and not more, largely due to a blatant lack of time.

I finally pack and leave at around 6 and meet some juniors on the way. Although I would have wished to have spent more time with one of them, I still had a smile on my face when I finally boarded the bus and headed to the railway station.

And so there was my NITK Convocation. Couldn’t have been any better or perfect for me. Will remain as one of the most memorable times I have had in a long time!

Scene 3: TIMMY RETURNS!!

SCENE 3 : TIMMY’S HOUSE

Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny go to Timmy’s house and ring the bell. After sometime, Richard (Timmy’s father), a middle aged mentally retarded man in a wheelchair opens the door. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny don’t know who he is. Silence ensues while they are surprised and are not sure how to react.

ERIC CARTMAN : Who the f*** is this??!??

Kyle (to the other 3) : Guys I think this is Timmy’s father.

Richard: Richard!!!!

Kyle: Err….Mr. Richard, is Timmy here? We haven’t seen him in a long time.

Richard suddenly gets hysterical and starts moving his wheelchair around in a violent manner while continuously screaming “RICHARD! RICHARD!” Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are taken aback by this behaviour.

Stan: Mr. Richard we just wanted to know if Timmy was here.

Richard stops his erratic behaviour and goes into a room in the house. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny follow him into the room. There we see Timmy in a wheelchair totally engrossed watching Television. He doesn’t notice anyone coming into the room.

Stan : Hey Timmy! What have you been doing dude? Why have you not been coming to school?

Timmy doesn’t respond to Stan. He is fully engrossed in the Television.

Timmy : Timmeh!!!

Kyle: What is he watching?

SCRUBS is shown to be playing on the television.  Timmy yells “TIMMEH!!”, apparently  finding every dialogue amusing while Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny just stare blankly at the TV.

Stan :  Dude What the f*** is this?

ERIC CARTMAN : Yeah! This show looks pretty retarded! Who the f*** watches this show?

Kenny (muffled) : Timmy does.

ERIC CARTMAN : Oh yeah Timmy is retarded alright!

Kyle : Hey Timmy! Its us, your friends from school.

Timmy : (continues to enjoy the show not noticing any of them) Timmeh!!!!!

Stan : Dude what the f*** is going on here? How can anyone get addicted to this nonsense?

Kyle : You are right dude…This shits not even remotely funny! But Timmy seems to be enjoying it!

(PAUSE while Stan discovers something)

Stan : Wait a minute!

Stan goes near the Television and finds a DVD of SCRUBS all seasons with a caption beneath that reads : FOR RETARDS, BY RETARDS! Stan also finds some instructions for playing the DVD and reads it aloud:

Stan : “PLAY THE DVD ONCE AND IT WILL AUTOMATICALLY REPEAT FOREVER.”

Kyle : Dude Timmy has been watching this show all this time! Man! This is some serious f***ed up shit!

ERIC CARTMAN : Or guys, is this like one of those shows, which are so retarded, that it is used to give people like Timmy a superiority complex? Think of it guys…it makes sense.

Kyle : Cartman! Such shows DO NOT exist! Timmy doesn’t need to be given a dose of superiority complex. He is fine by himself!

ERIC CARTMAN : Oh really Kyle?? You call THIS (pointing at Timmy drooling in a wheelchair enjoying SCRUBS) as being fine by himself?? And what about yourself Kyle? You may have also gotten to where you are by watching other retarded videos that are made specifically for retarded Jews!

Kyle : God Damn you Cartman! I was not and am not retarded!

ERIC CARTMAN : What makes you so sure Kyle? If a Jew was retarded, he wouldn’t know about it would he?

Stan : That’s enough! Guys we gotta think of a way to get Timmy de-addicted from this stupid TV Show.

Timmy (completely oblivious to everything around him)   : Heee Haaaa haaaa Timmeh!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Timmy Returns : Scene 2

SCENE 2: South Park Elementary School

Kids and their parents are in the school meeting the teachers in a classroom. The meeting is almost over. Principal Victoria, Mr. MacKey and Mr. Garrison are finishing sitting next to each other behind a table and discussing among themselves.

Principal Victoria : I just hope it gets over soon. I need to reach my book club meeting in less than an hour.

MR. MACKEY : (consults a list) Well lets see…. Kyle Browlowski-done. Stan Marsh-done. Wendy-done. Eric Cartman-thank god THATS over! Hmmm okay lets see who is remaining here…hmmm okay…hmmm okay..HA! Timmy!

(Silence in classroom. Nobody responds)

MR. MACKEY : Timmy! Is Timmy here?

(Again no response)

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA : MR. MACKEY did you inform Timmy’s parents about the meeting?

MR. MACKEY : Well actually PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Timmy has not attended school since a long time.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA : What?? Why wasn’t I told about it? Have you contacted his parents about this?

MR. MACKEY : (Hesitates) Well I did kinda tell them sometime back….hmm okay..

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA : What do you mean kinda?

MR. MACKEY : Well I did call them, hmmm okay….but there was this communication gap you see…hmm okay

FLASHBACK

MR. MACKEY calls a number on a phone.

MR. MACKEY : Hello..is Timmy there?

Voice (at the other end) : Richard!!!

MR. MACKEY : Not Richard…I am looking for Timmy…okay?

Voice : Richard!!!!!

MR. MACKEY : Hello…is this Timmy’s house?

(thinks aloud and checks his phone directory) Did I get the right number here??

Voice: Richard!!!!!

MR. MACKEY : (Looks confused. Thinks what to do for a moment.)

Voice: (Confused as well) Ri..cha..rd.??

MR. MACKEY: Hmmm..okay

(Hangs up)

(Timmy’s father Richard is shown on a wheelchair answering the phone)

Richard: Richard…..Richard??? Richard!!!!!!

BACK TO PRESENT

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA : Well you better call them again MR. MACKEY

(Shot changes to STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN AND KENNY seated in the classroom.)

Stan : Guys, any of you seen Timmy?

Kyle : I haven’t seen him in months dude!

Kenny : (Muffled) Me neither!

Stan : We gotta find him before he gets himself into any trouble.

ERIC CARTMAN : Guys guys aren’t we forgetting the important question here??

(All 3 of them think for a moment)

Stan : What is it Cartman?

ERIC CARTMAN : Who is Timmy??!!?

Kyle : God damn you Cartman! Have you already forgotten Timmy? He was our friend who was in a wheelchair!

ERIC CARTMAN (Suddenly remembering): Oh yeah our retarded friend who was always drooling! Now I remember! Where has he been all these days?

Stan : Lets check at his home….

(Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny leave the classroom)

TO BE CONTINUED…

South Park- TIMMY RETURNS : Scene 1

Ok..considering the fact that putting up the entire script for a new south park episode will not prove practically feasible, I have decided to split it into different scenes and upload each one of them. Feedback, changes and improvements are welcome and will be incorporated in the final script. Needless to say, this is just for fun. So if you are a South Park fan, then feel free to discuss.

The theme of the episode is to get Timmy back into school. Timmy has not been coming to school since a long time and so Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny decide to get their friend back to school. They find out why Timmy has not been coming to school and try to fix it.

SCENE 1: SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

Bell rings. Students settle down in class as Mr. Garrison enters the class.

Mr. Garrison : Ok children settle down now and pay attention as I have an important announcement to make.

ERIC CARTMAN : [Already bored] Aah! Here we go again!

Mr. Garrison : Principal Victoria has arranged a Parent-Teacher meeting tomorrow at the school. All of you are required to bring your parents after school for the meeting.

ERIC CARTMAN : [Suddenly alert] Huh? What?

Kyle : Didn’t you hear dumbass? You have to get your parents tomorrow for the parents-teacher meeting.

ERIC CARTMAN : What??!!? But how??

Mr. Garrison : Eric! What is it?

ERIC CARTMAN : Er… Mr. Garrison , I don’t think I will be able to bring my parents tomorrow.

Mr. Garrison : [Angrily]What did you say?

ERIC CARTMAN : I said I don’t think I will be able to bring my parents tomorrow.

Mr. Garrison : And why would that be?

ERIC CARTMAN : [Speaking as a matter of fact] Mr. Garrison its just that… (pause) my mom is sick and I don’t know who my dad is!

[Entire class goes silent. Mr. Garrison just stares blankly. Eric Cartman stares back at him blankly. ]

Mr. Garrison : Stop lying young man!!

ERIC CARTMAN : About what Mr. Garrison ? My mom, or my dad??

[Awkward Silence again in the classroom]

Kyle : [To Eric] Dude, your mom was fine last night. What happened man?

Mr. Garrison : [Angrily] That does it! Eric Cartman, you are bringing your mother tomorrow for the meeting!

ERIC CARTMAN : F*** you Kyle!

TO BE CONTINUED….

My Encounters with Astrology

First up, let me make my stand very clear here. As much as I want to believe that I have no faith in Astrology and that none of my decisions are influenced by it, I concede otherwise, but only to the extent of acknowledging the existence of the science. I wouldn’t particularly be making every decision of my life based on astrology. Now having said that, I am going to tell you about  a few recent instances wherein I have had a brush with astrology without ever actually intending to do so myself.

Recently, in the month of January, my parents had been to visit this astrologer near my home and were very impressed with his knowledge and analysis. He was apparently able to describe very accurately a lot of things of mine and my parents’ past, which particularly impressed my mom. Hence, she inevitably asked him about my future prospects, (onsidering the fact that during January, I was going through one of the worst phases of my life.), especially regards my education. To this, the astrologer assured my mom that I was going through a bad phase of my life and that I would face better times from the month of February. Sure enough, I quit my job in February due to poor health, which I was not complaining about as I was not particularly excited about the job, and in fact consider it as a good thing that happened to me. Then more importantly, I got an admit to do Masters in Imperial College London, one of the most prestigious universities in the world, about which I was extremely happy about. So yes, what the astrologer said did indeed come true. And looking at this, my mom strongly recommended the astrologer to her sister who has a son and a daughter appearing for their 12th and 10th board exams respectively. The astrologer again accurately described the characters of both the children and that again impressed my aunt too. And so there was this inevitable question asked to the astrologer by my aunt about the education of her two children and this is where I guess the situation hit the roof! To the specific question about how my cousin will fare in the highly competitive IIT-JEE exam, the astrologer, after some consultations with the horoscopes, confidently declared, “Your son has to work HARD to crack the IIT-JEE!!!!!!”

WTF???I mean WTF???OF COURSE he has to work hard to crack the IIT-JEE!! As soon as I heard this, I was rolling on the floor laughing away big time! And when I told this to my cousin, even he couldn’t control himself. And to learn that our mothers paid a whopping 3000 bucks to hear the astrologer tell them exactly what they already knew was nowhere near sensible. I never forgave my mom for that and dont miss a single opportunity to mock her about the issue. But that aside, I did some deep ruminations myself about this whole thing and with my cousin. I was trying to explain to him that astrology is still true as it is able to describe very clearly the things of the past and to some extent the future as well. I told him about my own case and about a few others as well. What he replied to that made a lot of sense. He said,”Astrology may indeed be true and may actually be able to exactly describe the events of the past or tell us when the times are going to improve or deteriorate for anyone. But then, whats the point? Astrology doesn’t need to tell us about our own pasts and irrespective of whether an astrologer says so, good times or bad times are going to happen anyway. So whats exactly the point of astrology?” I strongly believe what he said made a lot of sense. But perhaps one line of argument in favor of astrology would be that if one accepts that there is truth to it, then one can possibly take the help of astrology in making some key decisions in life- which of course is not mandatory. But again, I also strongly believe that it is upto the discretion of each and every person whether they choose to follow an astrologer’s advice or go by their own instincts.

Now that was one part of the story. Here is the other part which got me more directly involved. One of my very close friends since a long time is going through a very bad patch of her life. Same old story: she likes a guy since 5 years and he likes her as well, they have been into a serious relationship and plan to get married. But he is from a different caste so her parents are strenuously opposed to this marriage. And so in order to prove their compatibility, my friend went to an astrologer (a different one) to determine whether their horoscopes matched properly. That astrologer assured her in strong and confident ways that though it was not a perfect match, there never is one and that their horoscopes were as close to perfect as usually seen. Buoyed by this information, my friend decided to confront her dad (who incidentally gives a lot of weight to horoscope compatibility) and told him that if she was able to establish the compatibility of the horoscopes, would he then reconsider his stand on the marriage. He replied in the positive and due to which, she confidently took him and her mom to the same astrologer she had met before. Now here is the twist. When she asked the same astrologer about the compatibility in front of her parents, this astrologer dude did a complete U-Turn! He began to describe the compatibility of the two horoscopes as next to disastrous to all involved and that especially the guy’s horoscope is so defective that nothing can be made to set it right! Needless to say, my friend was speechless, and with good reason. She could not really get herself to even ask him why he was saying just the oppositte. Hell, all she could ask was even if she didn’t marry that guy, would he still be under threat and to which the astrologer, again confidently replied in the affirmative!! And here is the best part: That astrologer himself declared that he is not lying and that if he is lying 3 generations of his family are going to be cursed. The irony is that this astrologer dude isn’t married in the first place!!!

And so that evening I met her and she cried in helplessness while I was running out of options to make her see that its not the end of the world. As much as I couldn’t see why this astrologer dude had to do such a thing, I really didn’t consider that what he said was final and binding. So I suggested that I would take their horoscopes to my astrologer (the one I mentioned previously) and get his opinion as it would be a neutral one. And so when I went to see this astrologer, (I was personally meeting him for the first time) I found him to be a genuinely knowledgeable man who had a very long history of astrology in his family. And so he clearly explained to me what needs to be checked and what it should read in order for proper compatibility. He found that the horoscopes were compatible in all the basic parameters and that even though the guy’s horoscope was inherently defective, he said it could be rectified with certain rituals. He asked to see them both the next day and so they went there by themselves to consult him. That evening, I found my friend to be very excited and genuinely happy and smiling all the time because the astrologer had assured them that in spite of all the opposition in the family, things would eventually get settled and that their horoscopes were compatible enough to lead a happy marriage- as long as the guy did a certain ritual to correct some defects. I found that reasonable and was happy for my friend that her relationship was back on track. Now again, here is another twist. The guy is not exactly a believer in astrology and didn’t make the effort to get in touch with the astrologer about the pooja he had to do in spite of the fact that the astrologer had given him 2 specific dates. Both dates passed and my friend began to feel very bad. So much so, she began to have second thoughts on her relationship with the guy. Her line of thinking was that if he does not show his committment in something as important as this, how will he be after marriage? She even went to the extent of telling me it was all over between them and that she was ok about it. As much as I knew that was only a temporary phase and not the end of it all, I was also concerned about when the guy would eventually start the pooja. Last I heard, he was still yet to finalize the dates.

Now here is my problem. If for whatever reason, the relationship breaks- be it for genuine or not so genuine reasons-I dont think I can sleep peacefully. The knowledge that I was directly involved at the beginning of it all is not exactly a comforting one. I really don’t see myself rationalizing my way out of this if something were to go wrong. And it would feel like hell if it actually did. So I am praying that this get settled soon and in the positive way. But again, fundamentally speaking, I come back to what I said earlier. It is not about whether astrology is really indeed true or not. It is about whether you believe in it or not. Thats it.

I just hope I get to sleep peacefully.